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Nigerian Scam Profits Plummet To 12-Year Lows
ABUJA, Nigeria (CAP) - In yet another sign of the troubled world economy, income from Nigerian email and phishing scams tumbled to levels not seen in nearly 12 years this week, as scammers continue to worry that the U.S. government's efforts to halt the recession won't be sufficient to restore people's desire to be frivolous with their money.
The Nigerian scam industrial average lost 250 points, or 3.4%, ending at the lowest point since May 7, 1997. The N&E 419 index lost 26 points, or 3.5%, ending at the lowest point since April 11, 1997. Analysts see a tough road ahead for the long-standing Nigerian institution.
"This is a cow market if there ever was one," said economist Gideon Arap Moi, son of the former president of Kenya, Mr. Daniel Arap Moi. "The Madoff scandal did not help our cause as people are now less willing to spend tens of thousands of dollars for a guaranteed return of millions, even if that guarantee comes via email from a distinguised African gentleman such as myself."
Nigerian stocks are proving to be extra vulnerable with the major indexes at multi-year lows and showing few signs of recovering anytime soon. Many phishing proprietors are reporting staggering losses that are making it near impossible to sustain their lavish lifestyles, and some are resorting to extreme measures.
"As the only child of my mother who is the 6th wife to my father the president, I feel of the ashamed for my situation," said Dickson Mubane, the most popular black farmer from Zimbabwe who barely escaped murder in a land dispute in his country. "In point of fact, I have found it needful to release four of my wives back to the wild for security and safety reasons."
Mubane's email to CAP News then went on to seek our "most needed assistance in a business venture," the details of which we are unable to publish due to the "confidential nature of the transaction." CAP News officials did express surprise at the proposal, as no employee of CAP News or our parent company, Crystal Air Productions, knows Mubane personally.
"In these tough economic times, we owe it to ourselves and our readers to fully vet every business proposal that crosses our desk," said CAP News senior editor Dick Outcault. "After laborious research, we feel confident that the money we've invested in the Central Bank of Nigeria will provide the capital we need to remain afloat for the duration of this recession.
"Plus the $3 million we just won in the De Lotto Netherlands Sweepstakes Lottery despite not even buying a ticket is just icing on the cake," added Outcault.
Next week the S&P Cialis Price index is due out, along with the Federal Reserve's monthly report on Consumer Spam Confidence. While that figure is expected to have fallen nearly a point and a half since last month, a revolutionary breakthrough in weight loss could lead to a much-anticipated rebound thanks to a flood of free trial offers.
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