SATIRE

The UN has awarded North Korea Most Angry Nation status, elevating the Asian state alongside the likes of Syria, Iran and Israel. The new standing affords Kim Jong Un complimentary anger management counseling as well as a coupon for a free hug from a world leader of his choice. «» Venezuela has devalued its currency for the fifth time in nine years on word that the country is facing a shortage of talented prostitutes on the streets. Tourism officials fear a dip in the nation's hooker quality index following the death of president Hugo Chavez could permanently damage their industry. «» The State Department is planning to send Dr. Phil to North Korea to see if he can determine "what has Kim Jong-un's panties all in bunch." Critics counter that the U.S. should send Steve Wilkos so if talking doesn't work, he can simply "pound the living shit" out of Kim. «» Christians the world over are breathing a sigh of relief today after violence between Muslims and Buddhists in Indonesia left eight dead. "Naturally we don't want to see anyone get hurt," said the Christians. "But have to admit, it's nice to see the Muslims killing someone else for a change." «» Caroline Kennedy has accepted President Obama's appointment as U.S. ambassador to Japan, asking him, "Is that the place that keeps trying to blow us up?" He assured her it was not, telling CAP News, "We're definitely scraping the bottom of the Kennedy gene pool here. At least it's only Japan." «» Secretary of State John Kerry has returned from his first trip to the Middle East with promises from world leaders, t-shirts for cabinet members, and lots of memories. "I got to witness my first car bombing and cricket game riot back to back," Kerry said. "Really gets the blood pumping." «» President Obama is condemning North Korea's threat to launch a nuclear attack against the U.S., saying the government's right to attack its own citizens does not extend to other countries. "However, should you happen to bomb the Disney studios where Shake It Up is filmed, we won't complain," he added. «» Major League Baseball has signed an exclusive deal with the document sharing app Evernote to disseminate player steroid information among managers real-time during games. "Sometimes it's tough to tell if a guy's juicing," said one manager. "But thanks to this app, I'll know without even leaving the dugout steps." «» Tiger Woods has accepted Sergio Garcia's apology for his racist fried chicken comment, saying, "It's okay, because I actually really like fried chicken. And I'm not really black. In fact, I'm more Asian than anything. So if you want to insult me, you should use fried rice, not fried chicken." «» Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries has caved to the backlash against his discriminatory marketing, saying he will open a new store called Abercrombie & Fatso. "I'm telling you right now, plus sizes means plus prices," he said. "But I think if anyone can make fat people cool, it's me." «»

The UN has awarded North Korea Most Angry Nation status, elevating the Asian state alongside the likes of Syria, Iran and Israel. The new standing affords Kim Jong Un complimentary anger management counseling as well as a coupon for a free hug from a world leader of his choice. «» Venezuela has devalued its currency for the fifth time in nine years on word that the country is facing a shortage of talented prostitutes on the streets. Tourism officials fear a dip in the nation's hooker quality index following the death of president Hugo Chavez could permanently damage their industry. «» The State Department is planning to send Dr. Phil to North Korea to see if he can determine "what has Kim Jong-un's panties all in bunch." Critics counter that the U.S. should send Steve Wilkos so if talking doesn't work, he can simply "pound the living shit" out of Kim. «» Christians the world over are breathing a sigh of relief today after violence between Muslims and Buddhists in Indonesia left eight dead. "Naturally we don't want to see anyone get hurt," said the Christians. "But have to admit, it's nice to see the Muslims killing someone else for a change." «» Caroline Kennedy has accepted President Obama's appointment as U.S. ambassador to Japan, asking him, "Is that the place that keeps trying to blow us up?" He assured her it was not, telling CAP News, "We're definitely scraping the bottom of the Kennedy gene pool here. At least it's only Japan." «» Secretary of State John Kerry has returned from his first trip to the Middle East with promises from world leaders, t-shirts for cabinet members, and lots of memories. "I got to witness my first car bombing and cricket game riot back to back," Kerry said. "Really gets the blood pumping." «» President Obama is condemning North Korea's threat to launch a nuclear attack against the U.S., saying the government's right to attack its own citizens does not extend to other countries. "However, should you happen to bomb the Disney studios where Shake It Up is filmed, we won't complain," he added. «» Major League Baseball has signed an exclusive deal with the document sharing app Evernote to disseminate player steroid information among managers real-time during games. "Sometimes it's tough to tell if a guy's juicing," said one manager. "But thanks to this app, I'll know without even leaving the dugout steps." «» Tiger Woods has accepted Sergio Garcia's apology for his racist fried chicken comment, saying, "It's okay, because I actually really like fried chicken. And I'm not really black. In fact, I'm more Asian than anything. So if you want to insult me, you should use fried rice, not fried chicken." «» Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries has caved to the backlash against his discriminatory marketing, saying he will open a new store called Abercrombie & Fatso. "I'm telling you right now, plus sizes means plus prices," he said. "But I think if anyone can make fat people cool, it's me." «»