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LOS ANGELES (CAP) - Following word that actor Patrick Swayze has signed a deal with Atria Books to write his life story, movie producers are lining up like vultures in the hopes of landing big screen rights to the story. In what is known around Hollywood as the "celebrity death watch," producers vow not to begin making the movie until Swayze is actually dead.
"In a situation like this, you need to strike while the iron is hot," said one producer who has been camped outside Swayze's home since mid-January. "Once he kicks, we need to get the movie cast and filmed as quickly as possible, before people forget who he is.
"It would help if he'd do something semi-memorable these last few months, rather than just waste away inside his house," added the producer.
Swayze, who suffers from stage-four pancreatic cancer, has been given anywhere from seconds to another 35 years to live. Health experts credit Swayze's stubborn refusal to quit smoking with helping to speed up that timeline, a move that producers say not only adds to the star's legend, but also gives them hope of filming the movie sometime this year.
"How awesome would that be at next year's Oscars," said another producer. "His life story gets Best Picture, maybe he wins Best Actor if we use footage of him, and he gets some sort of posthumous lifetime achievement award.
"It's ratings gold," added the producer.
While TMZ and other celebrity gossip outlets have been calling distraught relatives and fighting to get the latest news on the dying film icon, only CAP News reporter Rob Ritchie had the guts to hide in a bucket of syringes and human waste on Swayze's back porch. He filed this transcript from a recent conversation between Swayze and his doctor.
Doctor: Well, Patrick, your latest test results don't look good.
Doctor: Yes, well, while shouting wolverines has been successful in the past, I think it might be time make other plans on fighting the cancer.
Swayze: So be nice, until it's time not to be nice.
Doctor: Well, Roadhouse quotes are a very controversial way to treat the cancer, you got anything from Ghost maybe?
Swayze: She's like the wind!
Doctor: Okay, not exactly Ghost but we are getting closer.
Swayze: Nobody puts Swayze in a coffin!
Doctor: Okay, Patrick, we're going to up your medication. Do you hear something in the human waste?
Swayze's autobiography is due to be published this fall, assuming he lives that long.
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