Saturday | January 31, 2015
CAP-TEAM INVESTIGATION: Hugh Jackman Not Gay
Oh, no, not gay at all.

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - A CAP News investigation has turned up irrefutable evidence that Oscar host and People "Sexiest Man Alive" Hugh Jackman is, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, not gay.

Jackman, who dazzled Oscar audiences with his song-and-dance prowess and won a Tony Award in 2006 for his portrayal of Peter Allen in The Boy From Oz, was widely assumed to be "light in the loafers," says entertainment blogger Seth Friedken of thesnarkmachine.com. "I mean, look at his obsession with Peter Allen. That guy was so gay he married Liza Minnelli."

However, CAP News has determined that Jackman has been happily married to a woman since 1996 and was in numerous relationships with members of the opposite sex prior to that time. Still, experts continue to point to Jackman's trim build and the tight, highly defined pectorals that make up his tanned, often oiled chest as evidence that something "may be amiss in the straight department."

Even his portrayal of action hero Wolverine has added to the scuttlebutt. "Let's see, tight leather outfit, metal claws, mutton chops," says Friedken. "He could have stepped right out of the Village People."

The rumors have flourished on the Internet in recent months, although even those involved admit there might be a little wishful thinking going on.

"I desperately want Hugh Jackman to be gay," said Marc Hurwitz, whose Facebook group "I Desperately Want Hugh Jackman to be Gay" has more than 150,000 members. "If a man who looks and dances like that is straight, I'm just going hang it up and marry a woman and become a fireman, right after I blow my brains out."

Assumptions multiplied after Sunday night's Oscar performance, where he opened the show by singing an operatic duet with Anne Hathaway and sitting on Frank Langella's lap. Also, he was subsequently "outed" by Tom Hanks as Hanks presented the award for Best Foreign Language Film amid tears of joy and sorrow.

It was an observation apparent not just to the Hollywood elite at the Kodak Theater. Even those watching from home in their sweatpants could sense the gayness coming through their television screens. "That said gay to me. Wasn't that gay? IT WAS GAY!" wrote one blogger during Jackman's tribute to the musical with Beyonce and Zac Efron, among others. The post, by former Tony host Rosie O'Donnell, was read by more than three dozen people on Oscar night.

Amazingly, though, an extensive investigation turned up no evidence of any homosexual activity on Jackman's part at any time in his life, even during college at the Western Australian Academy of Performing Arts of Edith Cowan University.

"Which would make him pretty much the only one," said one classmate who declined to be named.

And several friends of Jackman's wife, Deborra-Lee Furness, said she's been more than happy with Jackman's fulfilling of his husbandly duties. "And why wouldn't she?" asked one friend. "Have you seen the man's pectorals?"

Meanwhile, rumors that Jackman's Australia co-star Nicole Kidman is made entirely of porcelain have yet to be disproved.

- CAP News Staff

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Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» AC-DC accepts invite to play Coachella 2015, requests to be off stage by 7pm before they become "cranky and irritable" from being up too late «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «»