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Girl Scouts: The Silent Killers
NEW YORK (CAP) - A new study out of NYU Medical Center shows that, given the fat and sugar content of the cookies they sell to an unsuspecting public, the Girl Scouts of America are killing thousands of people every year.
"They look very innocent, even wholesome in their little green sashes and brown skirts," said Dr. Bentley Worthington, who coordinated the study. "But those little girls are, technically, peddlers of death just as sure as the corner drug dealer is.
"I'm just saying," he added.
Thin Mints alone account for more than 4,000 cases of type 2 diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and stroke each year, said Worthington.
"The frequency and methods by which some people ingest this particular cookie is not unlike the practice of mainlining for a heroin junkie," he said, noting that if there were a way to inject Thin Mints into a major vein or artery, he estimates that more than 40 percent of suburban mothers would be doing just that.
The study also turned up anecdotal evidence that women in communities across the country often spend winter Saturdays driving from supermarket to supermarket, pretending to come across Girl Scouts selling their wares by chance, and buying multiple boxes at each location under the pretense of "supporting the girls."
The Girl Scouts have tried to counter criticism of their cookies by reducing trans fats and introducing several "reduced-fat options" that nobody buys. Or, according to Worthington, people will buy them "so as not to look like slobs," but leave them languishing in cabinets while they eat their Thin Mints and Caramel Delights.
In another attempt to provide a healthier cookie option, the Scouts had introduced "reduced fat" Daisy Go Rounds, which came in individual bags, each containing approximately eight cinnamon-flavored cookies about the size of grapes. That lasted all of a year.
"I just open the bags and dump all the cookies into one bowl," admitted one suburban mother who declined to be named. "Sometimes, when the kids are at school, I stick my entire face right in there and just start chewing."
The Girl Scouts have also come under fire from the Boy Scouts of America, who say their own popcorn sale fundraisers can't possible compete. "Would you buy a $25 tin of popcorn when for 4 bucks you can have an entire box of thin, minty goodness?" asked Brian Mendelson, "Popcorn Colonel" for the Yankee Clipper Council of Boy Scout Troops in Massachusetts and New Hampshire.
Another Boy Scout offering, a $20 tin of trail mix, has had particularly sluggish sales, despite desperate attempts to market it. In one flyer, a Scout is shown in the woods using the tin to fend off an attacking bear.
But it's the health concerns regarding the Girl Scout cookies that raise the most flags for Dr. Worthington and other medical professionals. "I hate to use the words health crisis," said Worthington. "Oh, who am I kidding? I love to use those words. And this is a health crisis if there ever was one.
"Not to mention that it's teaching Girl Scouts that it's okay to kill people as long as you make a profit," he said.
But not all Girl Scouts agree. "We're just trying to make people happy and earn money for our troop," said Michaela Hutchinson, 8, of Girl Scout Troop 845 in Algoma, Wisc. "It makes me sad that people say these mean things. Because let's face it, anyone who eats that many cookies probably deserves to get diabetes."
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