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WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Barack Obama's plan for a more socially open White House took a hit this week when four people were stabbed following a White House screening of Notorious, the biopic about the rapper Notorious B.I.G.
"I had invited everybody over in the spirit of, you know, bipartisanship," said Obama this morning. "Clearly we have an even longer road to walk, in that regard, than I had originally thought."
Obama had apparently mistaken the film for the 1946 Cary Grant movie of the same name and had not realized its controversial subject matter. "I guess I should have listened to a little more rap music, instead of all that Dylan and Springsteen I've got on my iPod," he said.
The victims, all bodyguards of U.S. legislators, had apparently stepped into the fray when the Democratic and Republican lawmakers starting threatening to "throw down" over whether the film had accurately depicted Biggie's contribution to the rap oeuvre.
"Frankly, I thought it came up short in several key areas," said Rep. Fred Upton (R-MI), mentioning in particular his opinion that it underplayed Biggie's involvement in mentoring the Junior M.A.F.I.A. "That's wack," said Upton.
Upton apparently had words with Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) over the film, which may have been what led to the violence.
"I just don't see how the movie could have spent more time on the Junior M.A.F.I.A. without having to shift the focus away from Big Poppa's feud with Tupac," said Klobuchar, adding, "If Fred didn't have such a jones for Lil' Kim, maybe he'd be able to see that."
Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) cited Obama's failure to keep the party under control as evidence that the new president needs to take a tougher approach.
"All I know is, things wouldn't have gone that far in the Dick Cheney days," said Specter. "Anybody who dissed Biggie would have had a face full of buckshot before they even had a chance to get their shiv out."
Some present say the problems may have spilled over from President Obama's bipartisan Super Bowl party this past weekend, where Rep. Mike Doyle (D-PA) objected to Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ), who had come to the party shirtless with his face and torso painted red in support of his hometown Cardinals.
"If you're asking me if I feel badly about holding [Franks] down and forcibly scraping the paint off him with a Brillo pad, the answer is no," said an unrepentant Doyle after the Steelers' victory Sunday night.
Even worse, some said, was Joe Biden's Super Bowl party, where the vice president started a Nerf football game and yelled at Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham to "get up and catch the darn pass" before tackling him out of his wheelchair.
Meanwhile, all four victims of the White House Notorious stabbing are in stable condition, and police are investigating. And President Obama, for his part, has promised to choose a less divisive film to show at his next gathering.
"Maybe that Mall Cop movie - that looks, you know, funny," he said, drawing immediate fire from Rush Limbaugh and other fat Republicans.
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