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Obama To Turn Gitmo Into Theme Park
WASHINGTON (CAP) - As President Obama faces renewed criticism over his decision to close the US military prison at Guantanamo Bay that has yet to take place two years after he first made the announcement, the commander-in-chief remains undeterred in his resolve. The White House now says he plans to turn Gitmo into an amusement park.
"The president believes that there's no more important job that he has than to provide the American people an affordable vacation destination," said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs. "And when this park is done, all of middle class America will be able to walk right down the middle of Main Street, Guantanamo Bay."
The newly-coined Gitmoworld will feature dozens of rides and games for both children and adults, as well as the Bay At Guantanamo, a world-class hotel suite and 20,000 square-foot convention center. Obama administration officials say the president believes the best way to combat terrorism is to "put the capitalism smack-down" on their most hated place of pain and suffering.
"Let this be a message to terrorists and those who would support terrorism," President Obama said as he made the formal announcement. "We will ridicule you. We will deride your cause. We will do what Americans do best - make a buck off your despair."
Many pundits are applauding the president's announcement, saying that not only has he come up with a solution for what to do with the detention center, but that he has also figured out what do with the detainees themselves, most of whom will become employees of the theme park. However, some believe Obama's approach isn't that much better than his predecessor's.
"The only thing more humiliating than being forced to strip down and put a bag over your head is being forced to become a carnie," said Sen. John McCain (R-AZ). "And I suppose he'll make them work in the dunk tank as well."
Obama met with Republican leaders to sell them on the idea of the park, after many had expressed concern over how the president plans to pay for any neccesary infrastructure upgrades. Details of the meeting are unknown, but most came away satisfied after being promised free deep-fried turkey legs and cotton candy turbans on the park's opening day.
Some of the rides being planned for the amusement park include Tilt-al-Qaeda, the Afghani Scrambler, and the Muslim-go-round. Visitors who want a thrill ride before they even arrive can also take a chartered flight out of Miami being piloted by a convicted terrorist.
Gitmoworld is scheduled to open this fall after a summer-long "Year Of A Million Screams" promotional campaign.
- CAP News Staff
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