Friday | November 21, 2014
American Kids Forced To Eat Salami, Olive Loaf

BOSTON, Mass. (CAP) - As concern grows over peanut butter-related products tainted with salmonella, a new study suggests that increasing numbers of American children are being forced to eat deli meat-laden sandwiches as their lunch alternative. The findings support positive economic indicators for the deli meat industry.

"The economic ramifications of the peanut butter crisis are large and growing larger," said economist Harvey Dittmer. "First, deli meat. Next, fruits and vegetables. How long before children lose faith in the system?

"President Obama needs to assure America's children he's working in their best interests," added Dittmer, "or he can kiss all those nice letters and well wishes goodbye."

The Obama administration has not formally announced plans to intervene in the peanut butter situation, but sources at the White House indicate the first lady has had her work cut out for her trying to find something for Malia and Sasha to eat for lunch. Rumors that the president has authorized the purchase of black market peanut butter from China for his family remain unfounded.

"There is no scandal at the Obama lunch table," said new White House press secretary Robert Gibbs. "If you're looking for a conspiracy, how about focusing on the sudden influx of deli meat lobbyists showing up at the Capitol?"

People holding signs reading such things as "Choosy Moms Choose Boar's Head" have begun loitering around the Capitol, leading some to wonder if the salmonella was planted in peanut butter supplies by the ailing lunch meat industry. However, deli meat enthusiasts say it's simply time for the stalwart of the American lunch bag to get its due.

"Prepared meats are where it's at," said National Olive Loaf Federation spokesperson Simon Reed, whose own lunch meat has been nearing extinction for the past decade. "And by 'it' I mean cholesterol and sodium. Oh, and protein. I think there's protein, too."

The fallout from the salmonella scare is now reaching beyond simple peanut butter to include just about anything that may contain peanut butter or peanut butter products. It has even affected the Internet, where officials for YouTube have removed the popular Peanut Butter Jelly Time video over fears that it may be seen as promoting salmonella.

"What are kids going to think when they see this video? That peanut butter is cool and acceptable?" asked Dr. Ravi Lohari of Tufts Medical Center. "I suppose wretching and vomiting is cool and acceptable, too."

A new video entitled, Liverwurst And Mustard Time has begun to appear on video-sharing sites, complete with the catchy tag line, "Liverwurst and mustard on a bulky roll!"

Health experts warn that if the salmonella is not eradicated from the peanut butter supply within the next few weeks, officials may be forced to cancel National Peanut Month, set to kick off March 1.

- CAP News Staff

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NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Detroit Lions "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» Kmart asks employees to celebrate Thanksgiving the weekend before so they can work on Thanksgiving itself «»