Thursday | May 5, 2016
Obama: Bush Took Washer, Dryer, Fridge When He Left
President Obama calls wife Michelle to tell her he found a fridge that he likes.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Showing the resiliency that many say won him the election in the first place, President Barack Obama hugged his wife and children and mustered a smile for the reporters gathered on the South Lawn as he announced that the first family would be spending its first days in the White House without a washer, dryer or refrigerator.

"It, umm, appears that President Bush has, umm, taken the aforementioned appliances with him on his trip back to Crawford, Tex.," Obama said as he fought back tears. "This is not just a difficult time for Michelle and myself, and the girls, but a difficult time for all middle class Americans who just want a pair of clean socks."

According to CAP News sources at the White House, the appliances were present during Obama's walk-through just prior to the inauguration, but were noticed missing for the first time that evening. Witnesses did report seeing a pick-up truck with a large cargo departing from a service entrance shortly after Obama was sworn in as the 44th president, but believed workers were simply leaving with Dick Cheney's oxygen chamber.

"We all knew Obama would be tested as soon as he took that oath," said CAP News political analyst Fuad Reveiz. "How he handles this situation will set the stage for future crises, not the least of which is his own economic microcosm."

To Reveiz' point, Democratic leaders plan to push for $1,500 of the $350 billion in bailout money to be used for the purchase of new appliances for the Obamas. However, an unidentified Obama advisor said the president may be trying to have his old appliances shipped from Chicago if they have not yet been redistributed to another family. Civil rights leaders see a double standard.

"So President Obama has to use his old, crappy appliances - why? Because he's black?" said former Obama pastor Jeremiah Wright. "You know damn well if McCain had won he'd have a new refrigerator that makes those fancy ice cubes and always has a cold glass of water ready for your thirst.

"Everyone knows the way to break a black man's spirit is through his clothes and through his stomach," ranted Wright. "When will The Man stop trying to hold us down?"

Political pundits say if the Obamas do purchase new appliances, it could open the door to an entirely new controversy: whether or not to buy traditional white appliances or go with a more modern black look. Both sides of the aisle agree the new president could come across as indecisive if he opts to avoid any confrontation and go with something along the lines of chrome or stainless steel.

In the meantime, the Obamas have rented a small college dorm refrigerator for immediate needs and are using a local laundromat for their wardrobe thanks to the substantial amount of change they found wedged between the cushions of President Bush's old sofa.

"Thank God he left the toilet," said Reveiz, "or this could have been a lot worse."

- CAP News Staff

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Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» Advisors say Joe Biden turning to his trusty Magic Eight Ball to determine potential presidential bid with early indications pointing to a hazy reply and needing to ask again later «» Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb to host his own debate so he can do all the talking, not have to wait «» After a spirited round of Hot Potato failed to produce a nominee for Speaker, House Republicans have decided the loser or their weekly Duck, Duck, Goose game will get the post «» John Boehner disillusioned at lack of jobs for someone who only works nine months per year; says he would teach but "how can anyone live off of that?" «» Ben Carson publishes list of traits he finds unacceptable in a president, including shifty eyes, a taste for light beer, and anyone who did not like Goldie Hawn in Bird On A Wire «» Republican presidential candidates unite against Carly Fiorina's face, vow to continue 200-year streak of bland white guy options with or without toupee «» Hillary Clinton says she will not apologize for wearing white after Labor Day while Secretary Of State, noting that it was "approved attire" by the State Department at the time «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «»