Sunday | August 2, 2015
Papa Gino's Perfects Non-Absorbent Napkin

DEDHAM, Mass. (CAP) - In what is being hailed as a miracle of modern fast food, researchers at the prestigious Papa Gino's Holdings Laboratory have announced the creation of a new environmentally-friendly napkin that resists all liquids it comes in contact with yet still obtains the look and feel of a regular napkin.

"It looks like a napkin, tears like a napkin, but doesn't do a damned thing," said Dr. Leon Hoover as he demonstrated the cutting-edge technology by using one of the napkins to push a small puddle of liquid clear across a table without making the napkin wet.

The new napkin, whose patent is currently pending, consists of a top layer, an absorption-resistant layer, and a hollow layer riddled with ventilating holes to help keep the napkin dry. Two adjacent isolating layers allow air convection to disperse liquid so that foreign matter is quickly drained and dissipated thanks to a chemical qualitative change of the absorption-resistant layer.

"You mean they intentionally made it this way?" asked one Papa Gino's patron in Gilford, NH as he smeared sauce across his four-year-old son's cheek. "Well, I guess that instead of being pissed my boy looks like Heath Ledger from The Dark Knight, I have to say I'm pretty impressed."

Papa Gino's CEO Rick Wolf says the economic implications of the new serviette are fairly substantial, as early estimates show the average Napkin Reuse Factor of the company's more than 200 locations to possible triple. The NRF determines what percentage of napkins left on restaurant tables can be put back into dispensers for use by other patrons.

"And fishing those bad boys out of the toilet won't be such a hassle since they won't be all soggy and stuck to the side of the bowl," said Wolf. "But I'm not ready to take the signs down instructing people what can and can't go into a toilet because people just don't get it."

Ironically, company scientists first hatched the idea when they scribbled a prototype version on the back of a napkin, but had to redo it multiple times when table spills kept smudging the drawings. Company pitchman Tedy Bruschi has reportedly already begun taping a series of commercials featuring the new napkin.

The Papa Gino's achievement is not the first innovation in restaurant napkins. For years, McDonald's has been infusing their napkins with French fry grease such that customers who wipe their mouths often find themselves getting hungry for more fries. The fast food chain hopes to actually make their napkins edible by the end of the year.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE business NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «»
JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «»