Sunday | March 1, 2015
Papa Gino's Perfects Non-Absorbent Napkin

DEDHAM, Mass. (CAP) - In what is being hailed as a miracle of modern fast food, researchers at the prestigious Papa Gino's Holdings Laboratory have announced the creation of a new environmentally-friendly napkin that resists all liquids it comes in contact with yet still obtains the look and feel of a regular napkin.

"It looks like a napkin, tears like a napkin, but doesn't do a damned thing," said Dr. Leon Hoover as he demonstrated the cutting-edge technology by using one of the napkins to push a small puddle of liquid clear across a table without making the napkin wet.

The new napkin, whose patent is currently pending, consists of a top layer, an absorption-resistant layer, and a hollow layer riddled with ventilating holes to help keep the napkin dry. Two adjacent isolating layers allow air convection to disperse liquid so that foreign matter is quickly drained and dissipated thanks to a chemical qualitative change of the absorption-resistant layer.

"You mean they intentionally made it this way?" asked one Papa Gino's patron in Gilford, NH as he smeared sauce across his four-year-old son's cheek. "Well, I guess that instead of being pissed my boy looks like Heath Ledger from The Dark Knight, I have to say I'm pretty impressed."

Papa Gino's CEO Rick Wolf says the economic implications of the new serviette are fairly substantial, as early estimates show the average Napkin Reuse Factor of the company's more than 200 locations to possible triple. The NRF determines what percentage of napkins left on restaurant tables can be put back into dispensers for use by other patrons.

"And fishing those bad boys out of the toilet won't be such a hassle since they won't be all soggy and stuck to the side of the bowl," said Wolf. "But I'm not ready to take the signs down instructing people what can and can't go into a toilet because people just don't get it."

Ironically, company scientists first hatched the idea when they scribbled a prototype version on the back of a napkin, but had to redo it multiple times when table spills kept smudging the drawings. Company pitchman Tedy Bruschi has reportedly already begun taping a series of commercials featuring the new napkin.

The Papa Gino's achievement is not the first innovation in restaurant napkins. For years, McDonald's has been infusing their napkins with French fry grease such that customers who wipe their mouths often find themselves getting hungry for more fries. The fast food chain hopes to actually make their napkins edible by the end of the year.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE business NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» Welfare recipients throughout the country are protesting increases to the minimum wage, saying "it's not fair" for states to make it so enticing for them to try to find jobs «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «»
Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» Welfare recipients throughout the country are protesting increases to the minimum wage, saying "it's not fair" for states to make it so enticing for them to try to find jobs «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «»