Friday | November 21, 2014
Papa Gino's Perfects Non-Absorbent Napkin

DEDHAM, Mass. (CAP) - In what is being hailed as a miracle of modern fast food, researchers at the prestigious Papa Gino's Holdings Laboratory have announced the creation of a new environmentally-friendly napkin that resists all liquids it comes in contact with yet still obtains the look and feel of a regular napkin.

"It looks like a napkin, tears like a napkin, but doesn't do a damned thing," said Dr. Leon Hoover as he demonstrated the cutting-edge technology by using one of the napkins to push a small puddle of liquid clear across a table without making the napkin wet.

The new napkin, whose patent is currently pending, consists of a top layer, an absorption-resistant layer, and a hollow layer riddled with ventilating holes to help keep the napkin dry. Two adjacent isolating layers allow air convection to disperse liquid so that foreign matter is quickly drained and dissipated thanks to a chemical qualitative change of the absorption-resistant layer.

"You mean they intentionally made it this way?" asked one Papa Gino's patron in Gilford, NH as he smeared sauce across his four-year-old son's cheek. "Well, I guess that instead of being pissed my boy looks like Heath Ledger from The Dark Knight, I have to say I'm pretty impressed."

Papa Gino's CEO Rick Wolf says the economic implications of the new serviette are fairly substantial, as early estimates show the average Napkin Reuse Factor of the company's more than 200 locations to possible triple. The NRF determines what percentage of napkins left on restaurant tables can be put back into dispensers for use by other patrons.

"And fishing those bad boys out of the toilet won't be such a hassle since they won't be all soggy and stuck to the side of the bowl," said Wolf. "But I'm not ready to take the signs down instructing people what can and can't go into a toilet because people just don't get it."

Ironically, company scientists first hatched the idea when they scribbled a prototype version on the back of a napkin, but had to redo it multiple times when table spills kept smudging the drawings. Company pitchman Tedy Bruschi has reportedly already begun taping a series of commercials featuring the new napkin.

The Papa Gino's achievement is not the first innovation in restaurant napkins. For years, McDonald's has been infusing their napkins with French fry grease such that customers who wipe their mouths often find themselves getting hungry for more fries. The fast food chain hopes to actually make their napkins edible by the end of the year.

- CAP News Staff

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Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» Kmart asks employees to celebrate Thanksgiving the weekend before so they can work on Thanksgiving itself «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Detroit Lions "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «»