Friday | March 29, 2024
Macworld, CES, Lure Attendees With Strip Acts
Philip Schiller, along with porn star Ashlyn Brooke, plan to take Macworld to a whole new level.

LAS VEGAS (CAP) - As the economic downturn continues to force Americans to tighten their belts, the country's two biggest technology conferences are taking unconventional steps as a means of trying to keep attendance up at their shows. Spokespeople for Macworld and the Consumer Electronics Show say both will feature plenty of nudity this week.

"CES is about innovation. Innovation creates new ways of doing things," said Consumer Electronics Association CEO Gary Shapiro. "And if you've ever seen Tianna work a pole, then you've seen innovation at work."

Shapiro said half a dozen local strippers will grace the various exhibit halls and hotel ballrooms at this year's show, providing a welcome respite to what is typically a dry affair between "stuffy corporate types and the aging nerd population." Each brings a signature talent to the conference, but Shapiro assures tradeshow coordinators that they are there to complement the technology, not upstage it.

"Let's face it, these are guys who stand at attention when they hear the whir of a one-terabyte hard drive kick into gear," noted Shapiro. "So when Krystal shows them what she can do with a wireless optical mouse, what that's going to do is sell more mice."

With the exit of Steve Jobs from this year's Macworld Conference & Expo, organizers felt they needed something to help keep interest levels up, because "God knows our products and features aren't going to do that," said Apple marketing chief Philip Schiller.

Schiller, who delivered the keynote address in place of Jobs, said he will be giving another talk flanked on stage by porn actress Ashlynn Brooke and an unnamed well-endowed male, both of whom will demonstrate some of Apple's featured technology as he highlights the product roadmap while standing behind a podium.

"Wait till you see when we elevate them above the stage and they perform their rendition of the I'm a Mac, I'm a PC commercials," said Schiller. "Gives new meaning to having plenty of RAM."

CAP News sources in the auto industry say organizers of the North American International Auto Show plan to take a similar approach in Detroit next week when they feature couples getting it on in the backseats of various car models. They say it's part of an overall theme of practicality at the auto show.

"People right now aren't interested in fancy extras they can't afford," said the source. "Is the car roomy, how do the shocks hold up, do the windows fog easily - that's what people want to know, and that's what automakers need to show them.

"Give people practical reasons to buy that car and sexually arouse them at the same time, and soon everyone will be looking at the Big Three in a new light," added the source.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE tech NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2024 BY CAP NEWS
New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «» Audubon Society study finds today's young birds less disciplined than their elders, flying south in U formation or incongruous amoeba-like shapes «» Forecasters say Hurricane Joaquin expected to transform from a coherent, sensible storm to a rambling, meandering mess as it drifts into obscurity north through the Atlantic «» Online petition gathers 50,000 signatures to ask NASA to schedule next super moon full moon lunar eclipse for a Saturday night, or at least earlier in the evening «» NSA officials say Chinese hackers to blame for tens of thousands of American Instagram posts not getting as many likes as they should, resulting in unnecessary hard feelings among friends «» Los Angeles institutes Shower Shaming, asking residents to rat each other out if anyone wastes water and bathes more than once per week «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «»
New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «» Audubon Society study finds today's young birds less disciplined than their elders, flying south in U formation or incongruous amoeba-like shapes «» Forecasters say Hurricane Joaquin expected to transform from a coherent, sensible storm to a rambling, meandering mess as it drifts into obscurity north through the Atlantic «» Online petition gathers 50,000 signatures to ask NASA to schedule next super moon full moon lunar eclipse for a Saturday night, or at least earlier in the evening «» NSA officials say Chinese hackers to blame for tens of thousands of American Instagram posts not getting as many likes as they should, resulting in unnecessary hard feelings among friends «» Los Angeles institutes Shower Shaming, asking residents to rat each other out if anyone wastes water and bathes more than once per week «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «»