Friday | March 27, 2015
Survey: Most To Start New Year Off By Vomiting

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A recent survey shows that a majority of Americans plans to start the new year by vomiting, for the most part involuntarily.

"It seems there is a very common belief that purging oneself is a natural way to put the previous year behind us and start anew," said Dr. Francis Spitznagel, who conducted the survey for the Pew Research Center. "Further questioning revealed, though, that this is pretty much just an excuse for drinking incredible amounts of alcohol in one sitting."

The survey of 5,000 Americans between the ages of 18 and 39 showed that 84 percent plan to drink beer and/or liquor until they're ready to "call Ralph on the big white telephone." And after they jettison their chunky cargo, 76 percent of those plan to curl up into a fetal position until unconscious, whereas the other 24 percent say they will start drinking again until they come up with at least one more Technicolor yawn to herald in the new year.

"I know that until I've blown chunks, it doesn't really seem like Jan. 1," said survey participant Josh Reznack, 24, of Moonachie, N.J. "A few years ago I passed out before my annual gastro geyser, and I swear to God it threw me off for the entire year."

The results have already come under fire on several fronts, including from Mothers Against Everything (MAE), the group that recently came out against PETA's anti-Santa campaign.

"We can't help but find these numbers discouraging, to say the least," said MAE spokesmother Darlene Fortenski. "Call it what you will - shouting groceries, driving the porcelain bus, ordering a pavement pizza with all the toppings - it's still not a very good choice when it comes to ways to spend your New Year's Eve.

"If it were up to us, people would make much better choices for their New Year's activity, like a nice game of Yahtzee," she added, noting that the popular dice game made by Milton Bradley rarely causes any gastrointestinal distress.

The survey has also prompted state police around the nation to remind people about the dangers of drinking and driving on New Year's Eve, whether you download your dinner afterwards or not.

"Answering the call of the walrus is all well and good, but we ask that drivers try not to drink too much before they get behind the wheel," said Karl Menchevik of the Nevada State Police. "Four or five drinks, tops - after that you start to get past the point where drinking actually makes you drive better."

The survey also found that 10 percent of people plan to force themselves to call the buffalos on New Year's Eve by sticking a finger down their throat rather than drinking, primarily to purge themselves of excess holiday snacks. The other six percent said they would be watching New Year's Rockin' Eve, although several noted that they might wind up painting their shoes just from watching Ryan Seacrest.

- CAP News Staff

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New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «»