Tuesday | July 28, 2015
Senate Abandons Sleigh Bailout Bill
Harry Reid discusses the bailout bill during a recent visit with one of Santa's helpers.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Despite pleas to do it for the children and quoting lines from Miracle On 34th Street, Senate Democrats were unable to end debate on a $34 billion sleigh bailout bill and bring it to a full vote. The failed measure puts Christmas at risk with just days to go until the biggest holiday of the year.

"Sorry, big guy, looks like we failed you - humanity failed you," said Senate majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV). "I dread looking at children's faces on Christmas morning. It's not going to be a pleasant sight."

The House easily passed the bailout bill late last week, which would have provided Santa Claus with the funding to perform some much-needed repairs on his sleigh in time for this year's trip around the world. But Senate Republicans balked at provisions that would have extended elf benefits into the offseason as well as given Santa himself a hefty bonus.

"Today we bail out Santa, tomorrow it's the Easter Bunny. Where does it stop?" bellowed Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) on the Senate floor. "Is it the job of the American taxpayer to foot the repair bill of a sleigh used to deliver toys to children around the world? I think not!"

Critics charged that had the funding been as important to Santa as indicated, he should have shown up himself to testify at the hearings and not sent a dozen of his helpers from malls around the Washington, DC area. Proponents of Santa said this is the wrong time of year to ask him to leave the North Pole unnecessarily.

"We want Santa, not a bunch of guys who look like Santa," said Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC). "If jolly ole St. Nick can't leave his operation for a single day to come plead his case for American taxpayer money, then maybe we need to be taking a closer look at how jolly ole St. Nick runs his operation."

DeMint was one of a handful of Republicans who had been pushing for creation of a committee to look into the finances of Santa's Village, which managed to escape unscathed last year amid a sting operation that uncovered a dozen elves trying to pawn off recalled toys as their own handiwork. Pundits say that effort could gain momentum now that Santa has intentionally thrust his financial situation back into the spotlight.

"The North Pole Hiring Group and the Elves Local 105 have been at each other's throats for well over a year," said CAP News senior financial analyst Robert Moullha. "So I have no doubt the elves' union would lobby for some sort of governmental oversight of the Claus finances."

When the NPHG laid off almost 12% of the elf workforce earlier this year, Moullha said Santa narrowly avoided a strike by agreeing to certain concessions. Among those was a mandatory weight-loss program that would allow Santa to downsize the number of reindeer necessary to pull the sleigh by three over the next five years.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Hillary Clinton accuses Rand Paul of crank calling her at 3am but the NSA has no phone records with which to prove it «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «»
Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Hillary Clinton accuses Rand Paul of crank calling her at 3am but the NSA has no phone records with which to prove it «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «»