Tuesday | September 1, 2015
Catholic Church Switches To Flavored Communion
New chocolate communion wafers, subsidized by Hershey's

BOSTON (CAP) - Officials for the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston have announced plans to switch a number of area parishes from the centuries-old bland wheat flour-based communion wafers to a more contemporary wafer containing polyunsaturated fats and one of a handful of flavoring agents.

"Don't let it be said that the Catholic Church isn't a forward-thinking ecclesiastical entity," said Archbishop Sean Patrick O'Malley. "Whether we're the first internationally-renowned religion to openly cover-up clergy sex abuse scandals or the first to make Mass taste better, we always have our congregations' best interests in mind."

According to O'Malley, the first batch of new wafers will be made available in three flavors: chocolate, cinnamon, and Ritz. The plan is to taste test the varieties at some of the more tolerable parishes in the region, like throughout South Boston, and then expand the more successful kinds into other dioceses.

"Wow, Jesus never tasted so good," said 47-year-old Darren St. Clair, one of a dozen to participate in a focus group that helped to select the initial flavor offerings. "The only problem I see is that this could extend Mass when everybody starts going back for a second helping of the Lord."

The new wafer is the first part of a multi-year branding effort by the Catholic Church to try to inject some life into what many consider to be a stale, outdated religion. The endeavor, dubbed transsubflavorization by the United States Catholic Conference of Bishops, aims to double the membership in two-thirds of congregations within three years, and put the Church back on the path to profitability.

"We have been hurting in that coveted 24-39 demographic for a long time," said New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan. "Our goal is to take that holier-than-thou Christmas crowd and get them to show up in the dead of summer when we've got no particular focus and nothing new to say.

"We think programs like Sin-Free Sundays, Double Points Redemption Confessional, and the new Wii Mass will return Catholicism to the glory days of the Crusades," added Dolan.

Egan said Catholic leaders have a littany of other plans they hope to put in place over the course of time to both modernize and energize the religious experience. One forward-thinking concept, the often hotly-debated idea of anointing women as priests, would likely be implemented "only over my crucified body," said Dolan.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE u.s. NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «»
State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «»