Thursday | May 28, 2015
Catholic Church Switches To Flavored Communion
New chocolate communion wafers, subsidized by Hershey's

BOSTON (CAP) - Officials for the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston have announced plans to switch a number of area parishes from the centuries-old bland wheat flour-based communion wafers to a more contemporary wafer containing polyunsaturated fats and one of a handful of flavoring agents.

"Don't let it be said that the Catholic Church isn't a forward-thinking ecclesiastical entity," said Archbishop Sean Patrick O'Malley. "Whether we're the first internationally-renowned religion to openly cover-up clergy sex abuse scandals or the first to make Mass taste better, we always have our congregations' best interests in mind."

According to O'Malley, the first batch of new wafers will be made available in three flavors: chocolate, cinnamon, and Ritz. The plan is to taste test the varieties at some of the more tolerable parishes in the region, like throughout South Boston, and then expand the more successful kinds into other dioceses.

"Wow, Jesus never tasted so good," said 47-year-old Darren St. Clair, one of a dozen to participate in a focus group that helped to select the initial flavor offerings. "The only problem I see is that this could extend Mass when everybody starts going back for a second helping of the Lord."

The new wafer is the first part of a multi-year branding effort by the Catholic Church to try to inject some life into what many consider to be a stale, outdated religion. The endeavor, dubbed transsubflavorization by the United States Catholic Conference of Bishops, aims to double the membership in two-thirds of congregations within three years, and put the Church back on the path to profitability.

"We have been hurting in that coveted 24-39 demographic for a long time," said New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan. "Our goal is to take that holier-than-thou Christmas crowd and get them to show up in the dead of summer when we've got no particular focus and nothing new to say.

"We think programs like Sin-Free Sundays, Double Points Redemption Confessional, and the new Wii Mass will return Catholicism to the glory days of the Crusades," added Dolan.

Egan said Catholic leaders have a littany of other plans they hope to put in place over the course of time to both modernize and energize the religious experience. One forward-thinking concept, the often hotly-debated idea of anointing women as priests, would likely be implemented "only over my crucified body," said Dolan.

- CAP News Staff

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World Trade Organization approves putting 'Country Of Origin' labels on immigrants coming into the US to help Americans better target their discrimination «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «»