Wednesday | April 16, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@AntoninScalia #PlightOfTheWigger
Wiggers descend on Washington to show support for their fellow wigger as the Supreme Court takes up civil rights for wiggers.
FROM THE VAULT
April 12, 2006
U.S. Accidentally Sends Wrong Bolton To IranU.S. Accidentally Sends Wrong Bolton To Iran
Fake Advertisement

CRIME

Violence Against Mall Santas Escalates

Violence Against Mall Santas Escalates
One mall Santa fears for his life while being chased by a mob of angry children.

MINNEAPOLIS/ST. PAUL (CAP) - Consumer violence continued yesterday when the Santa Claus at the Mall of America was attacked by hundreds of children who broke through a plastic mistletoe-and-holly barrier.

"He really had no time to reason with them," said Minneapolis/St. Paul Police Chief John Hannigan, who said that Santa had grabbed a large, Styrofoam candy cane to defend himself, but it only took a few seconds before he was on the ground "with a face full of Stride-Rites."

Speaking from his hospital bed, Santa - who declined to be identified other than as "Mr. Kringle" - said he was just returning from a prolonged bathroom break, during which time the large crowd apparently had gotten unruly. "That's the last time I have the buffalo chicken wrap before a shift," he said.

The hundreds of children clawed at his face and beard and shouted epithets as they dragged him to the ground, according to the police report. Amateur video taken at the scene captured one boy, approximately 7 years old, screaming, "Where's the Wii you promised me last year, poophead?" as he pounded his little fists into Kringle's jiggling belly.

Police say Santa's security detail, two teenage girls dressed as elves, had left their post, apparently to go buy the movie Hunger Games.

"I feel, like, kind of bad, because I'd already seen it like seven times," said Mersedes Langerhoff, 17, of White Bear Lake. "But I feel a lot worse because I really want to buy Catching Fire but it's not out yet."

The event follows a string of incidents wherein parents have threatened violence over the cost of a photo with Santa. In Poughkeepsie, N.Y., James Castroberti, 37, was charged with malicious destruction of property when, according to the police report, he took a lacrosse stick he'd just purchased as a gift at the Poughkeepsie Galleria and beat the inkjet photo printer in the Santa kiosk until it was a smoking heap.

As security carried him off, Catroberti allegedly yelled, "Twenty-five [expletive] bucks? You gotta be [expletive] [expletive] me!"

But the Mall of America incident has once again raised the prospect of arming Mall Santas, as Wal-Mart recently announced it would do with its store greeters. "It's a shame we have to go down that road," said Chief Hannigan, who has endorsed the plan. "But in these rough times, apparently the threat of getting coal in your stocking is no longer sufficient."

Meanwhile, the Mall of America's Santa says he feels "lucky to be alive." Doctors expect him to recover, but Mr. Kringle says he will likely have to claim permanent disability, as they tell him his lap may be permanently unable to support any child over 30 pounds.

"And these days they're all fat as hell," he pointed out.


- CAP News Staff

MORE u.s. NEWS
  • Texas To Execute 15 For Charity

    Gov. Perry denies that he plans to televise the event for a new Fox reality show entitled, "So You Wanna Execute A Criminal?" to air during Obama's next speech.

Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie has announced the closure of all exits on the Turnpike whose numerical value is a prime number, but says the move is not politically motivated. "You better know your math before you go driving," he said. "Else you could be in for a very long trip." «» Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty." «» Ohio prisons officials have accidentally given the flu vaccine to death row inmate Ronald Phillips instead of a lethal injection due to a drug mix-up. "We expected to see him writhing in agony, but he's healthy as an ox now," said the warden. "No, he won't be dying anytime soon." «» Fending off calls for her resignation following problems accessing the Obamacare website, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has launched an online poker website just to prove she can. "Hey, we're gambling with people's healthcare, so they might as well enjoy some Texas Hold'em while we suck them dry," she noted. «» Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler stumbled across a robbery while at the bank yesterday but says he didn't notice it and just went about his business. "In hindsight, the guys wearing masks and brandishing guns should have clued me in," he said. "Thankfully, that's only the second mistake I've made." «» NSA leaker Edward Snowden stopped by the U.S. for a visit, saying he feels safe with the government shut down and nobody working. "Edward who?" said the lone NSA employee in the office. "I can barely keep up with all these wiretaps by myself, let alone chase that guy around." «» The National Weather Service is vowing to engulf America in "the winter from Hell" if the government shutdown doesn't cease and their paychecks resume. "Tornado watches on the East Coast are nothing compared to what we have in store," said one official. "And you thought we just predicted the weather." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»
    America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie has announced the closure of all exits on the Turnpike whose numerical value is a prime number, but says the move is not politically motivated. "You better know your math before you go driving," he said. "Else you could be in for a very long trip." «» Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty." «» Ohio prisons officials have accidentally given the flu vaccine to death row inmate Ronald Phillips instead of a lethal injection due to a drug mix-up. "We expected to see him writhing in agony, but he's healthy as an ox now," said the warden. "No, he won't be dying anytime soon." «» Fending off calls for her resignation following problems accessing the Obamacare website, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has launched an online poker website just to prove she can. "Hey, we're gambling with people's healthcare, so they might as well enjoy some Texas Hold'em while we suck them dry," she noted. «» Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler stumbled across a robbery while at the bank yesterday but says he didn't notice it and just went about his business. "In hindsight, the guys wearing masks and brandishing guns should have clued me in," he said. "Thankfully, that's only the second mistake I've made." «» NSA leaker Edward Snowden stopped by the U.S. for a visit, saying he feels safe with the government shut down and nobody working. "Edward who?" said the lone NSA employee in the office. "I can barely keep up with all these wiretaps by myself, let alone chase that guy around." «» The National Weather Service is vowing to engulf America in "the winter from Hell" if the government shutdown doesn't cease and their paychecks resume. "Tornado watches on the East Coast are nothing compared to what we have in store," said one official. "And you thought we just predicted the weather." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»