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WASHINGTON (CAP) - A report issued today by the National Center for Vital Statistics shows that President-elect Barack Obama will not be the most well-endowed Commander-in-Chief when he takes office on Jan. 20. The report caps an eight-year study funded by pharmaceutical giant Pfizer.
"The goal of the study was to compare the sizes of the wangs of all 43 presidents to see who was packing the biggest tallywhacker," said NHVS research fellow Brian Warchal at a press conference to announce the results. "Of course, once Obama won the election, we naturally figured there was no reason to continue the research.
"We were shocked when we ran the numbers and Obama's trouser snake came in second," Warchal added.
The study found that John F Kennedy's monster pud set the bar extremely high, with a dong renowned for its presidential prowess. According to Bruce Stanten, noted historian of presidential physical traits, legend has it that when Kennedy played golf, he had to count his pecker as one of the 14 clubs a player is allowed to carry under USGA regulations, or risk disqualification.
"We're talking about a guy who could pick up a quarter off the floor without using his hands or feet," Stanten pointed out. "Now that's some royal sausage!"
Researchers say the idea that all African-American men have giant schlongs is just an urban legend, with statistics showing that only about 90% of black men have jimmys that are significantly larger than average. The rest fall short of "put that thing away before someone loses any eye" size.
"To assume that Obama would have a giant johnson just because he's black is borderline racist," said Northwestern University professor of human anatomy Toni Leers. "Although kind of in a good way."
With Obama taking second to Kennedy, the rest of the top five presidential baloney ponies rounded out with Benjamin Harrison, Gerald Ford, and ironically Woodrow Wilson. The five smallest presidents were John Tyler, John Quincy Adams, William Taft, George HW Bush, and through a strange twist of irony, Millard Fillmore.
"While we were unable to find a direct correlation between unit size and effectiveness as president," concluded Warchal, "I think we're all a lot more comfortable with a guy who is packing a serious power drill running the country."
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