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AUTO INDUSTRY
Auto CEOs Planning Post-Bailout Bash
DETROIT, Mich. (CAP) - Executives from General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler are planning a huge blow-out celebration next week to welcome back their CEOs from Capitol Hill and kick-off a new era in auto manufacturing in the United States - a two-day party that industry sources say will come with a price tag of around $4 million.
Spokesmen for the auto companies insist, however, that none of the billions of dollars in government assistance the CEOs intend to secure from Congress will be used for the party. It'll be paid for using funds already in the companies' social events budget.
"Use it or lose, it, right?" said a spokesman for one of the big three. "We cut the company's summer outing down from 16 to 12 days this year and limited executives to two hookers per day because we expected that we'd need to do some tightening," he said.
Safety has always been the U.S. automakers number-one priority, so last month executives gave the green light to create three separate runways near the party for the CEOs to arrive and depart on their private jets, sources said. This way the CEOs can stay away from unsafe commercial airplanes and even more unsafe American-made cars.
The event kicks off with a concert featuring a pair of Detroit music stars, Kid Rock and Eminem. The so-called Bankruptcy Is Not An Option Orgy Of Fun will feature an all-night rave/dance party, private swimming lessons from Michael Phelps, a pitch-and-putt competition versus Tiger Woods, and will conclude with a private football game featuring two undisclosed NFL teams.
"Kickoff to a new era. There are kickoffs in an NFL game. Get it?" said an auto executive. "During this next era of auto making I really think we're going to start putting as much effort into making cars as we do making kick-ass parties - it's exciting."
U.S. automakers' second-highest priority has always been preserving the environment. As a result, the party and concert locations will not run any ozone-depleting air conditioners, and will instead rely on "a few cracked windows" to cool the partygoers.
"It's going to be H-O-T in there, which means some chicks are going to have to get naked!" said a chief financial officer of one of the big three. "I can't wait!"
Congressmen and senators who vote for the bailout will purportedly be eligible for VIP passes to the party. In addition to the concert, the VIP pass holders will have the opportunity to view all of next year's summer blockbuster movies in high-definition surround sound.
"We've got about $2.5 million left in our operating budget and I think this event will be important for America's economic future as we auto companies move closer to the 21st century. We've been talking a lot about what we're going to do when we reach the 21st century and although I don't think any of us will be around to see it, it's going to be exciting."
Contributing Writer
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