Thursday | August 28, 2014
Treasury Dept Mistakenly Bails Out Sperm Bank
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson displays some of the things he's able to do with his hands.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - In what is the most damning evidence to date that the U.S. Treasury department's $700 billion bailout of the nation's financial institutions is faltering, a CAP News investigative report revealed yesterday that a $6.5-billion capital injection was sent to Sacramento CryoBank, one of the nation's largest sperm banks.

A Treasury official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told CAP news that although the intern who typed up the list of the eligible banks was always very professional and brought a lot of enthusiasm to his projects, his attention to detail "did need some work." He said the department will review the rest of the list and delete any other sperm banks on the list, and river banks, for that matter.

"In the meantime, we're going to let this go through," the source said. "We've got a sticky note on the list reminding us that when we go back to Congress in a few months for more money that we tack on another $6.5 billion to cover the misappropriation."

Through its Troubled Asset Relief Program legislation the Treasury department has already committed close to $300 billion dollars to banks, including $115 to Goldman Sachs Group Inc., Citigroup Inc., and Bank of America Corp. But the government has not provided details about how the allotments are decided and which banks are eligible.

CryoBank president Warren Duncan says he doesn't care how his facility became eligible. He was pleasantly surprised by the $6.5 billion his bank received and he's working to put the funds to good use.

"I won't have to hear any more complaints about the 14-year-old copies of Juggs in our client donor rooms, that's for sure," he said. "We've just installed 72-inch high-def plasma televisions, and we've got Blu-Ray porn running all day."

He said that they've revised their projected client totals for the year and they also plan to restart their marketing campaign to lure celebrity donors to the facility.

"The celebrity donors always generate a lot of interest, and our modest push last year was successful," he said. "But as great as it's been having Steven Baldwin stop by two or three times a week, I think we can bring in a few others."

Duncan has also extended the invitation to members of Congress. He's purchased engraved cups especially for them, and he hopes they'll make another donation on top of the giant wad they've already given him.

- John Gettings
Contributing Writer

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