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WASHINGTON (CAP) - Separate measures before the House and the Senate that would provide $600 million to help bail out America's teenage population could be voted on as early as next week. The biggest hurdle facing each bill is a rider stipulating that the teens must perform chores in order to receive their share of the bailout.
"This will address one of the central problems plaguing our financial system," President Obama said as he announced his support of the bailout. "Teens have been unable to borrow money from their parents and that has constricted their ability to spend at their normal pace."
Obama said with the jobless rate nearing record highs and teenager confidence hitting record lows, America's youth are finding allowances slashed and curfews shortened as parents struggle not only to keep their families afloat financially but also keep their children from "being bored out of their skulls."
"Let's face it - a teenager's spending habits have far-reaching ramifications," said Sen. Mike Crapo (R-ID). "When teens don't have money to spend, we feel it at the malls, at the movies, at the liquor stores.
"Sure, we could just earmark the funds for those industries directly," Crapo noted, "but by funneling the money through our teenagers, it also helps keep them out of our hair."
According to polls conducted on various social networking sites, teenagers are overwhelmingly in favor of the bailout, although poor reading comprehension and mathematical skills are lending to a variety of interpretations as to just how beneficial the government assistance will be.
"I'm really hoping this money will help me land on my feet," said 16-year-old Shawn Westover, whose parents recently dropped him off at a hospital in Omaha, Neb. and then sped away. "If not, a new Xbox 360 would be pretty cool."
Mothers Against Everything, outspoken critics of the measure, say the reasons being given in support of the bill are the exact same reasons why it should be soundly defeated. MAE spokesperson Darlene Fortenski said they chose the confusing non-argument argument approach because "we're mothers and that's what mothers do."
Proponents of the measure say if it is successful, the move could pave the way for a tooth fairy bailout bill that has been stuck in committee for the past month.
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