Saturday | August 1, 2015
New Book Offers Guidance For Whites Under Obama

QUEENS, NY (CAP) - American entrepreneur Russell Simmons and publisher Bantam Books have teamed up on a new book meant to help ease the presidential transition from old, pasty white guy to young, hip black man. The publication, entitled A Guide For Dorky White People In Obamamerica, is due in stores early next month.

"For years, brothers have put up with needy white guys who can't quite do the handshake and think that all black people are related," Simmons told CAP News during an exclusive phone interview.

"They're not racist, just dumb," explained the hip-hop mogul. "With the change in America, it felt like the time to set things straight."

The 72-page guide contains tips and hints for daily living, complete with illustrations for the less educated and West Virginia residents. Bantam Books provided CAP News with excerpts from the inside jacket of the book:

Don't randomly high-five blacks and yell, "We did it!"
Do take down your Sarah Palin screensaver

Do watch CMT
Don't watch BET

Do be a quarterback with pocket presence
Don't scramble for first downs

Do rap in your car if your name is Marshall Mathers
Don't rap if your name is anything else

Do dance if you are in a ballroom
Don't if you are in a nightclub

Do watch Will Smith movies
Don't watch Tyler Perry movies

Do grille
Don't wear grilles

Do laugh at black comedians making fun of white people
Don't use the N word under any circumstances even if you are reading a historical document silently to yourself

Don't carve the letter B into chunky white girls at ATMs

The book will be available in all Barnes & Noble and Borders bookstores, and Simmons encourages whites to peruse a copy while they sip their venti mochachinos at the adjacent Starbucks.

- CAP News Staff

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Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Hillary Clinton accuses Rand Paul of crank calling her at 3am but the NSA has no phone records with which to prove it «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «»