Tuesday | March 31, 2015
New Book Offers Guidance For Whites Under Obama

QUEENS, NY (CAP) - American entrepreneur Russell Simmons and publisher Bantam Books have teamed up on a new book meant to help ease the presidential transition from old, pasty white guy to young, hip black man. The publication, entitled A Guide For Dorky White People In Obamamerica, is due in stores early next month.

"For years, brothers have put up with needy white guys who can't quite do the handshake and think that all black people are related," Simmons told CAP News during an exclusive phone interview.

"They're not racist, just dumb," explained the hip-hop mogul. "With the change in America, it felt like the time to set things straight."

The 72-page guide contains tips and hints for daily living, complete with illustrations for the less educated and West Virginia residents. Bantam Books provided CAP News with excerpts from the inside jacket of the book:

Don't randomly high-five blacks and yell, "We did it!"
Do take down your Sarah Palin screensaver

Do watch CMT
Don't watch BET

Do be a quarterback with pocket presence
Don't scramble for first downs

Do rap in your car if your name is Marshall Mathers
Don't rap if your name is anything else

Do dance if you are in a ballroom
Don't if you are in a nightclub

Do watch Will Smith movies
Don't watch Tyler Perry movies

Do grille
Don't wear grilles

Do laugh at black comedians making fun of white people
Don't use the N word under any circumstances even if you are reading a historical document silently to yourself

Don't carve the letter B into chunky white girls at ATMs

The book will be available in all Barnes & Noble and Borders bookstores, and Simmons encourages whites to peruse a copy while they sip their venti mochachinos at the adjacent Starbucks.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»
Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»