Monday | April 27, 2015
New Book Offers Guidance For Whites Under Obama

QUEENS, NY (CAP) - American entrepreneur Russell Simmons and publisher Bantam Books have teamed up on a new book meant to help ease the presidential transition from old, pasty white guy to young, hip black man. The publication, entitled A Guide For Dorky White People In Obamamerica, is due in stores early next month.

"For years, brothers have put up with needy white guys who can't quite do the handshake and think that all black people are related," Simmons told CAP News during an exclusive phone interview.

"They're not racist, just dumb," explained the hip-hop mogul. "With the change in America, it felt like the time to set things straight."

The 72-page guide contains tips and hints for daily living, complete with illustrations for the less educated and West Virginia residents. Bantam Books provided CAP News with excerpts from the inside jacket of the book:

Don't randomly high-five blacks and yell, "We did it!"
Do take down your Sarah Palin screensaver

Do watch CMT
Don't watch BET

Do be a quarterback with pocket presence
Don't scramble for first downs

Do rap in your car if your name is Marshall Mathers
Don't rap if your name is anything else

Do dance if you are in a ballroom
Don't if you are in a nightclub

Do watch Will Smith movies
Don't watch Tyler Perry movies

Do grille
Don't wear grilles

Do laugh at black comedians making fun of white people
Don't use the N word under any circumstances even if you are reading a historical document silently to yourself

Don't carve the letter B into chunky white girls at ATMs

The book will be available in all Barnes & Noble and Borders bookstores, and Simmons encourages whites to peruse a copy while they sip their venti mochachinos at the adjacent Starbucks.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»
Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»