Sunday | November 23, 2014
New Book Offers Guidance For Whites Under Obama

QUEENS, NY (CAP) - American entrepreneur Russell Simmons and publisher Bantam Books have teamed up on a new book meant to help ease the presidential transition from old, pasty white guy to young, hip black man. The publication, entitled A Guide For Dorky White People In Obamamerica, is due in stores early next month.

"For years, brothers have put up with needy white guys who can't quite do the handshake and think that all black people are related," Simmons told CAP News during an exclusive phone interview.

"They're not racist, just dumb," explained the hip-hop mogul. "With the change in America, it felt like the time to set things straight."

The 72-page guide contains tips and hints for daily living, complete with illustrations for the less educated and West Virginia residents. Bantam Books provided CAP News with excerpts from the inside jacket of the book:

Don't randomly high-five blacks and yell, "We did it!"
Do take down your Sarah Palin screensaver

Do watch CMT
Don't watch BET

Do be a quarterback with pocket presence
Don't scramble for first downs

Do rap in your car if your name is Marshall Mathers
Don't rap if your name is anything else

Do dance if you are in a ballroom
Don't if you are in a nightclub

Do watch Will Smith movies
Don't watch Tyler Perry movies

Do grille
Don't wear grilles

Do laugh at black comedians making fun of white people
Don't use the N word under any circumstances even if you are reading a historical document silently to yourself

Don't carve the letter B into chunky white girls at ATMs

The book will be available in all Barnes & Noble and Borders bookstores, and Simmons encourages whites to peruse a copy while they sip their venti mochachinos at the adjacent Starbucks.

- CAP News Staff

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NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «»