CHAPPAQUA, NY (CAP) - Local authorities released a tape today of the 9-1-1 call Hillary Clinton made shortly after 11 pm on election night, claiming that she had been a victim of a theft - the American presidency - by President-elect Barak Obama.
Her husband, former president Bill Clinton, who sounded frustrated and exhausted during the call, can be heard restraining the New York senator - claiming his wife was just trying to order a meat-lover's pizza but misdialed. A transcript of the call was made available to CAP News.
(operator): 9-1-1, state your emergency.
(caller): He stole it all ... it was my turn! Yes we can? [redacted] we can! I got a slogan for you: If you got a vagina, sayonara ... that [redacted] even rhymes ...
(operator): Ma'am would you like to report a robbery?
(caller): Hell ya, bitch! You tell me? Has a man ever taken something from you? You ever have to return a custom-made inauguration pantsuit because of a man? Get that fat-ass, Bill Richardson, on the line - New Mexico should have been mine. All the blue ones (15 seconds of sobbing) ... they should have been mine. New Hampshire, sweet, sweet New ...
(caller's husband): (Aside) Put some clothes on, [redacted]. (Into the phone) Heya, I'm sorry, she's been doing shots every time a state closed its polls. I literally had to pull her out of the pool after Pennsylvania - that was three hours ago. What's your name?
(operator): Sir, do you need an ambulance sent to your residence?
(caller's husband): That depends, honey. Are you going to be in ...
(caller): O-Bastard stole my presidency! I swear to god I'm going to stick Joe Biden so far up his ass that Joe the Plummer won't be able to help either one of them!
(caller's husband): Hill ... Hillary! Hang up the other line!
(caller): Florida! I won you. I hate all of you in that state - every single last one of you. But I won your stupid primary that didn't count. Ohio, you [redacted]! I did everything short of cutting off my left tit for you! This is how you thank ... (caller hangs up)
The operator then called back the number and got the answering machine at the Clinton's residence. Immediately afterward, the operator took a call from Joe McCain, who was at a 24-hour convenience store and livid that they were completely out of the Hot Pockets he likes.
- John Gettings