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Logs Show Hillary Called 911 To Report Stolen Election

Logs Show Hillary Called 911 To Report Stolen Election
Bill and Hillary are no strangers to 911 as this clip from the old TV show demonstrates.

CHAPPAQUA, NY (CAP) - Local authorities released a tape today of the 9-1-1 call Hillary Clinton made shortly after 11 pm on election night, claiming that she had been a victim of a theft - the American presidency - by President-elect Barak Obama.

Her husband, former president Bill Clinton, who sounded frustrated and exhausted during the call, can be heard restraining the New York senator - claiming his wife was just trying to order a meat-lover's pizza but misdialed. A transcript of the call was made available to CAP News.

(operator): 9-1-1, state your emergency.

(caller): He stole it all ... it was my turn! Yes we can? [redacted] we can! I got a slogan for you: If you got a vagina, sayonara ... that [redacted] even rhymes ...

(operator): Ma'am would you like to report a robbery?

(caller): Hell ya, bitch! You tell me? Has a man ever taken something from you? You ever have to return a custom-made inauguration pantsuit because of a man? Get that fat-ass, Bill Richardson, on the line - New Mexico should have been mine. All the blue ones (15 seconds of sobbing) ... they should have been mine. New Hampshire, sweet, sweet New ...

(caller's husband): (Aside) Put some clothes on, [redacted]. (Into the phone) Heya, I'm sorry, she's been doing shots every time a state closed its polls. I literally had to pull her out of the pool after Pennsylvania - that was three hours ago. What's your name?

(operator): Sir, do you need an ambulance sent to your residence?

(caller's husband): That depends, honey. Are you going to be in ...

(caller): O-Bastard stole my presidency! I swear to god I'm going to stick Joe Biden so far up his ass that Joe the Plummer won't be able to help either one of them!

(caller's husband): Hill ... Hillary! Hang up the other line!

(caller): Florida! I won you. I hate all of you in that state - every single last one of you. But I won your stupid primary that didn't count. Ohio, you [redacted]! I did everything short of cutting off my left tit for you! This is how you thank ... (caller hangs up)

The operator then called back the number and got the answering machine at the Clinton's residence. Immediately afterward, the operator took a call from Joe McCain, who was at a 24-hour convenience store and livid that they were completely out of the Hot Pockets he likes.


- John Gettings
Contributing Writer

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    After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» Following his assertion that marijuana is no worse than alcohol, President Obama continued his comparison crusade by suggesting that eating gizzards is no worse than eating chitlins. "Cooked stomach or cooked intestine: what's the difference? They both taste like ass," he noted. "Black people need to do better than that." «» Researchers at MIT have finished calculating President Obama's approval rating, which they say can be obtained by use of the imaginary number i. "We all learned about the square root of negative one in school," said one mathematician. "But to find it applied in the real world is truly spectacular." «» Liz Cheney has announced that despite her carnal desires to continue pushing, she has decided to pull out. While most family members were tight-lipped over the announcement, sister Mary said she didn't think Liz "ever had it in her to begin with" and was likely faking the entire time. «» A new McClatchy-Marist poll finds President Obama's approval rating has soared to the highest of his presidency among deaf Americans following his speech at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. The sign language interpreter at the service was reportedly "signing gibberish" but clearly what he was signing resonated with deaf Americans. «» Following word that he's leaving the Republican Party, Sen. Ted Cruz has announced that he's also leaving the Hispanic race for an ethnicity to be named later. "Time to try my hand at a new race, or even start my own," Cruz said. "I wish Hispanics all the best, though." «» The White House denies rumors that President Obama is using the powers of the NSA to monitor daughter Malia's phone calls. "I am totally not picking up another line, covering the mouth piece, and listening when boys call her," Obama said. "I much prefer to eavesdrop through her bedroom door." «» President Obama was caught hitting on a pregnant woman during a speech in the White House Rose Garden yesterday when she swooned and fell lovingly into his arms. "Talking about Obamacare does have that effect on women," said an aide. "The whole thing had this weird Scandal vibe to it." «»