SATIRE

With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» The FBI is investigating who wiretapped Sen. Mitch McConnell's office, tapes of which show him slandering one-time opponent Ashley Judd. "I have a right to be devious and unethical in a private setting," he said. "I'm sure I'll say plenty of stupid things publicly during this campaign, just be patient." «» President Obama may spend the foreseeable future sleeping in the Oval Office after returning five percent of his salary in solidarity with furloughed federal workers. Sources say that portion was budgeted for Michelle's clothing allowance and "I'll be damned if I go the next six months dressing like Hillary Clinton." «» Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH) now supports gay marriage because his son Will is gay and "if it takes shacking up with another man to get him to move out, so be it." Portman took two years to reconsider after Will came out because he "swore it was just a phase." «» Major League Baseball has signed an exclusive deal with the document sharing app Evernote to disseminate player steroid information among managers real-time during games. "Sometimes it's tough to tell if a guy's juicing," said one manager. "But thanks to this app, I'll know without even leaving the dugout steps." «» The UN has awarded North Korea Most Angry Nation status, elevating the Asian state alongside the likes of Syria, Iran and Israel. The new standing affords Kim Jong Un complimentary anger management counseling as well as a coupon for a free hug from a world leader of his choice. «» Tiger Woods has accepted Sergio Garcia's apology for his racist fried chicken comment, saying, "It's okay, because I actually really like fried chicken. And I'm not really black. In fact, I'm more Asian than anything. So if you want to insult me, you should use fried rice, not fried chicken." «» Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries has caved to the backlash against his discriminatory marketing, saying he will open a new store called Abercrombie & Fatso. "I'm telling you right now, plus sizes means plus prices," he said. "But I think if anyone can make fat people cool, it's me." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «»

With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» The FBI is investigating who wiretapped Sen. Mitch McConnell's office, tapes of which show him slandering one-time opponent Ashley Judd. "I have a right to be devious and unethical in a private setting," he said. "I'm sure I'll say plenty of stupid things publicly during this campaign, just be patient." «» President Obama may spend the foreseeable future sleeping in the Oval Office after returning five percent of his salary in solidarity with furloughed federal workers. Sources say that portion was budgeted for Michelle's clothing allowance and "I'll be damned if I go the next six months dressing like Hillary Clinton." «» Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH) now supports gay marriage because his son Will is gay and "if it takes shacking up with another man to get him to move out, so be it." Portman took two years to reconsider after Will came out because he "swore it was just a phase." «» Major League Baseball has signed an exclusive deal with the document sharing app Evernote to disseminate player steroid information among managers real-time during games. "Sometimes it's tough to tell if a guy's juicing," said one manager. "But thanks to this app, I'll know without even leaving the dugout steps." «» The UN has awarded North Korea Most Angry Nation status, elevating the Asian state alongside the likes of Syria, Iran and Israel. The new standing affords Kim Jong Un complimentary anger management counseling as well as a coupon for a free hug from a world leader of his choice. «» Tiger Woods has accepted Sergio Garcia's apology for his racist fried chicken comment, saying, "It's okay, because I actually really like fried chicken. And I'm not really black. In fact, I'm more Asian than anything. So if you want to insult me, you should use fried rice, not fried chicken." «» Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries has caved to the backlash against his discriminatory marketing, saying he will open a new store called Abercrombie & Fatso. "I'm telling you right now, plus sizes means plus prices," he said. "But I think if anyone can make fat people cool, it's me." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «»