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ELECTION 2008

McCain's Final Strategy: Don't Forget He's Black

McCain's Final Strategy: Don't Forget He's Black
A haggard John McCain explains how voting for Obama is like coloring with a black crayon.

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (CAP) - In what is being seen in political circles as a desperate attempt to close the gap in the day before the election, the McCain/Palin Campaign has scrounged up all the remaining loose change it could from bottle returns and under the sofabed for a final ad blitz attacking Barack Obama in the one way it hopes will still resonate with American voters.

That he's black.

The ad called "Are you sure about this? Really?" encourages voters to take a long look in the mirror on election day, then take a look at a picture at Obama, and consider what's different about the two images.

"We're just saying," said McCain campaign spokesman Tucker 'Out Of' Bounds, "we don't want all these good, red-blooded, hard-working, sunscreen-wearing, Pro-Americans to wake up on Nov. 5 and wonder what happened to their country."

The ad begins with an ominous pan shot down the streets of Chicago's South Side, past the Trinity Church with images of a ranting Rev. Jeremiah Wright and bomb-throwing William Ayers CGI'd into the landscape, and leads into stark narration:

"The first 43 presidents in the history of this great country all had one thing in common. They did not look like Barack Obama. With all turmoil nationally and abroad in these scary, scary times, can we really risk bucking the trend that made this country so great?"

Another portion of the ad was equally inflammatory:

"The White House has become one of the enduring symbols of this country's greatness. But what would we call the presidential residence if Barack Obama is elected on Nov. 4?"

Though the Democtratic National Committee and NAACP decried the ad, and MSNBC anchor Keith Olberman urinated himself in anger, the McCain/Palin forces advanced the assault with a set of talking points to surrogates. Among them was that an Obama Administration would replace the White House Rose Garden with Black-Eyed Susans, and would replace the traditional "Hail to the Chief" music played at a presidential introduction to "Hot Tub" by James Brown.

"Or maybe 'Superfreak' by Rick James, or perhaps 'The Theme from Shaft' by Isaac Hayes. Can we, as Pro-American Americans really take that chance?"

Conservative talk show hosts were quick to embrace the new attack lines, with Rush Limbaugh re-igniting his assault on Colin Powell's endorsement of Obama two weeks ago.

"It was all about race. It was all about race!" he bellowed into his microphone for two hours interrupted during today's broadcast.

Limbaugh went on to say that Powell only endorsed Obama after learning that the retired general's first choice - Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb - wasn't running. As usual, a gleeful Palin took the chance to go vicious too far during a campaign stop in Ohio today.

"I don't know if the good people of Ohio know this because I know you good people don't watch all those fancy news programs all the time," she said, "but Barack Obama is black."

"How black is he?" her sheet-adorned crowd excitedly asked.

"You betcha I'll tellya. Barack Obama is soooo black that when Todd and his buddies get up at 4am to go snowmobile riding and moose hunting, and they don't want any of that cream or milk in their coffee, they order it Barack-style."

A new PEW Research poll shows that 99.3 percent of Americans actually do know Barack Obama is black, and 52 percent of them plan to vote for him anyway.

- CAP News Staff
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President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» The FBI has intercepted a chain letter sent to President Obama promising money in the mail if he adds his name to the list and sends it to five friends. "We're still investigating the source," said an agent. "But the fourth name is Joe Biden, so we have an idea." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» The FBI is investigating who wiretapped Sen. Mitch McConnell's office, tapes of which show him slandering one-time opponent Ashley Judd. "I have a right to be devious and unethical in a private setting," he said. "I'm sure I'll say plenty of stupid things publicly during this campaign, just be patient." «» President Obama may spend the foreseeable future sleeping in the Oval Office after returning five percent of his salary in solidarity with furloughed federal workers. Sources say that portion was budgeted for Michelle's clothing allowance and "I'll be damned if I go the next six months dressing like Hillary Clinton." «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «» The Pentagon is accusing Chinese cyberspies of hacking the Twitter accounts of thousands of teenage girls after a flurry of mean, vindictive tweets surfaced. "We knew no one would ever purposefully post such awful things about their own friends," said one official. "So we figured it had to be China." «»
President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» The FBI has intercepted a chain letter sent to President Obama promising money in the mail if he adds his name to the list and sends it to five friends. "We're still investigating the source," said an agent. "But the fourth name is Joe Biden, so we have an idea." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» The FBI is investigating who wiretapped Sen. Mitch McConnell's office, tapes of which show him slandering one-time opponent Ashley Judd. "I have a right to be devious and unethical in a private setting," he said. "I'm sure I'll say plenty of stupid things publicly during this campaign, just be patient." «» President Obama may spend the foreseeable future sleeping in the Oval Office after returning five percent of his salary in solidarity with furloughed federal workers. Sources say that portion was budgeted for Michelle's clothing allowance and "I'll be damned if I go the next six months dressing like Hillary Clinton." «» Kanye West has canceled the release of his new album and pulled all existing copies in the wake of the birth of his daughter. "Oh my God, have you heard those lyrics I wrote?" he said. "I'm a dad now. I can't be all rapping about breasts 'n shit anymore." «» With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «» The Pentagon is accusing Chinese cyberspies of hacking the Twitter accounts of thousands of teenage girls after a flurry of mean, vindictive tweets surfaced. "We knew no one would ever purposefully post such awful things about their own friends," said one official. "So we figured it had to be China." «»