Thursday | March 28, 2024
McCain Suspends Campaign To Visit Ailing Grandmother
File photo of Mame, back in her more energetic days

ARLINGTON, Va. (CAP) - In what some pundits are calling a ploy to generate sentiment for his floundering campaign, Republican presidential contender John McCain today said he would take a break from campaigning in order to visit his extremely old grandmother.

"She's 119 next month, God bless her," McCain, 72, told reporters. "And do you know that under Barack Obama's tax and health care proposals, she would be both taxed and fined? He wants to tax and fine people who can no longer even chew. My friends, that's not right."

Some consultants have noted that Obama's recent trip to Hawaii to visit Madelyn Dunham, 85 - the "white grandmother" mentioned in his landmark address on race - paid dividends among undecided voters. "For one thing, it reminded people that he's got a little honkie in him," noted consultant Marshall Sternhagen.

Sternhagen said that McCain could wind up seeing similar results. "At the very least it points out that there's a lot of longevity in his family," he noted. "That's very important for all the people whose vote for McCain is predicated on the condition that he absolutely, positively not die."

In fact, McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin, 44, lauded his decision, noting that she'll be becoming a grandmother herself next year when her oldest daughter Bristol, 17, gives birth. "And of course I always enjoy visiting my own grandmother, who's a spry 75, let me tell ya," said Palin. "Back in the trailer park they call her the queen mother."

However, some have questioned whether McCain's grandmother, whom he calls "Mame" (short for "Maimeo," an old Irish term for grandmother), even exists. They note the only evidence has been a grainy video McCain screened for reporters that showed him hugging a woman who then calls him "my bubelah," which is not typically an Irish term of endearment.

"I admire John McCain, and I love his mother, Roberta, carnally," said Democratic vice presidential nominee Joe Biden. "But I've seen that video, and clearly, that's a man, baby!"

Sen. Joe Leiberman - who already came under fire earlier this year for allegedly masquerading as "Negro-American icon" Little Black Sambo in order to endorse McCain - was reached later in the congressional coat room removing a gray wig and housedress, at which point he characterized the accusation as "a bunch of bupkis."

As for Obama, he says that while possibly fictional old grandmothers, like pregnant daughters and eerily robotic spouses, are "off limits" in the campaign, he did want to disagree with McCain's assertions about his policies.

"Look, Sen. McCain's grandmother, if she does exist, would in fact pay lower taxes under my plan," said Obama. "And if she doesn't exist, well, she'd pay even less, probably."

McCain, for his part, says he just wants voters to know he's the type of maverick who'll put partisan bickering aside to have an opportunity to see his loving Mame one last time. "Really, the woman practically raised me," said McCain.

This prompted McCain's mother, Roberta, 96, to respond, "Oh, bite me, John."

- CAP News Staff

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Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» Advisors say Joe Biden turning to his trusty Magic Eight Ball to determine potential presidential bid with early indications pointing to a hazy reply and needing to ask again later «» Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb to host his own debate so he can do all the talking, not have to wait «» After a spirited round of Hot Potato failed to produce a nominee for Speaker, House Republicans have decided the loser or their weekly Duck, Duck, Goose game will get the post «» John Boehner disillusioned at lack of jobs for someone who only works nine months per year; says he would teach but "how can anyone live off of that?" «» Ben Carson publishes list of traits he finds unacceptable in a president, including shifty eyes, a taste for light beer, and anyone who did not like Goldie Hawn in Bird On A Wire «» Republican presidential candidates unite against Carly Fiorina's face, vow to continue 200-year streak of bland white guy options with or without toupee «» Hillary Clinton says she will not apologize for wearing white after Labor Day while Secretary Of State, noting that it was "approved attire" by the State Department at the time «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «»