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KABUL (CAP) - The upcoming season of attacks and threats by the world's largest terrorist organization promises to pack more wallop and suspense than previous years, according to officials for al Qaeda's scheduling division. The new season kicks off with a busy marketplace bombing next Thursday evening.
"I've seen the schedule, and that premiere is nothing compared to what they have planned for later in the season," said CAP News Entertainment Editor Greta Von Cistern. "But when you're up against the likes of Grey's Anatomy and CSI, you have little choice but to come out with both guns blazing."
Von Cistern and other television pundits question whether al Qaeda's explosive programming can wrestle the American public's attention away from the usual slate of over-scripted television dramas and unrealistic reality shows. Many believe the network marching order won't shake out until at least November sweeps.
"I don't care how many people die or how innocent they are," TV critic Scott Pierce said, "you can't compete with David Hasselhoff fawning over a four-year-old girl who can kinda sing. You just can't.
"Well, you can this year because he left the show," Pierce added. "But you can't compete with Simon Cowell - no, wait, he's gone, too. Well, Ellen DeGeneres - nope, also gone. Maybe this is al Qaeda's time to shine."
Pierce said that regardless of where al Qaeda ends up finishing in the ratings, the need for a pre-determined schedule has been a long time coming. He pointed to a situation from last spring where two suicide bombers blew themselves up within minutes of each other in the same empty mosque.
"No hits, no runs, nobody left on base," said Pierce. "A little planning goes a long way. Plus, it was the same night as The Office season finale. What a waste."
For their part, the Department of Homeland Security is happy to have a full season schedule from al Qaeda ahead of time, rather than waiting for a new terror tape to be released only to find out weeks later that it was a three-year-old rerun.
"We're stretched pretty thin these days, so it's nice to know where to focus our efforts," said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. "This way, if they're just blowing each other up, no Americans involved, maybe we do enjoy the two-hour finale of Survivor instead. It opens up the options."
Al Qaeda officials said they are planning a mid-season replacement schedule, which will likely be anchored by all-new episodes of the Rachel Ray-hosted reality show, So You Think You're A Terrorist?.
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