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FOXBORO, Mass. (CAP) - In perhaps another indication of the worlwide credit market struggles, the Lasting Union of Credit International For Eternal Reckoning has called in its loan with Patriots megastar quarterback Tom Brady in a move that may have directly led to his season-ending knee injury on Sunday.
Under the agreement with LUCIFER, Brady put up the "ultimate collateral" sometime in the fall of 2000 in exchange for "the greatest life of any dude anywhere in the world at anytime in history," according to bank documents obtained by CAP News.
In exchange for three Super Bowl rings, two Super Bowl MVP Awards, an NFL MVP Award, numerous NFL passing records, a scorching-hot actress girlfriend who gave birth to Brady's son while he moved on to an even hotter supermodel girlfriend who makes even more money than he does, Brady offered his soul.
"We're seeing this type of thing all over the industry," said a renowned theologian and market analyst. "It's a real sign of the times. Look at kids like Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse - they get into a volatile market at a young age, and then it comes time to pay the piper, and it's not always attractive. Okay, it's attractive, but in kind of a lurid, disturbing sort of way.
"Tom Brady went in for a particularly large short-term payout and those deals bring the biggest risk. Just wait until Barack Obama's loan comes due."
Analysts say that Brady's biggest mistake was going for an interest-only, adjustable-rate pact with Satan instead of a safer, fixed-rate plan.
"At least he would have gotten another five or 10 good years out of it before he needed the hip replacement and the hair plugs," a CNBC anchor determined.
While Brady's devastating knee injury came as a shock to fans in New England, veteran reporters who cover Satanic activities and trends concluded that warning signs were ignored.
"There was the foot cast before the Super Bowl last year and the catch the Giants guy made that led to the game-winning touchdown," said Deval Minion, financial editor for the Sacramento Beelzebub. "You think that guy makes that catch against his helmet and gets instant fame without a little intervention?
"And, by the way, where is David Tyree now? Out half the year with a knee injury. You can't beat the system. You just can't."
Brady reportedly held out hope after the game for a bailout similar to the one announced for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac this weekend, but was denied.
"We only make exceptions for government agencies," a LUCIFER spokesman determined. "But those will come due eventually as well. And, when they do, you'd better stock up on the locust spray."