Sunday | April 19, 2015
Palin Embarks On First VPILF Tour Of America
Sarah starts to heat things up as Alaskan weather starts to cool things down.

WASILLA, AK. (CAP) - After a brief trip back to Alaska to prove her toughness with a wrestling match against a bear and a speech to the Wasilla PTA belittling "city folk who eat cheese and waste everyone's time trying to oganize things," upstart Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin and her children are set to begin a bizarre cross country campaign trek billed as a combination of church revival, carnival sideshow and dysfunctional family sitcom.

McCain campaign sources have told CAP News that Palin has been asked to "dress down" for the trip to accenuate her relatively good looks and beauty pageant past.

"We are trying to get her in some warm-weather climates," said a Republican operative. "Then give her a chance to maybe unbutton the top clasp on that blouse, let her hair down a bit, maybe whip off those glasses in a provactive way with a little soul/funk number playing in the background.

"We think it's a winning strategy."

The McCain campaign will also try to embrace the sticky subject of 17-year-old Bristol Palin's unwed pregnancy with having the teenager perform a Karaoke serenade of Great Grandpapa Don't Preach to the 72-year-old nominee durng a video appearance.

"We're hoping the 'I'm keeping my baby!' line will be a big applause-getter in the Heartland," the GOP strategist gushed.

Republicans have been trying to term Bristol's knocked-up revelation as a simple misunderstanding and a cute example of small-town life.

"When her mom was elected governor and she was told she'd be moving to Juneau she thought they wanted her to be More like Juno," the strategist claimed. "But she's getting married, so that should solve everything. I'm sure it will last."

Bristol's "fiance through acclimation" was less enthused about the attention. But Levi Johnson, who had a self-recorded version of Bristol's Mom Has Got It Going On on his MySpace page taken down along with his assertion that he never wants to have kids, has reportedly taken solace in the idea that a Republican victory is "my ticket out of this iceberg town."

Meanwhile, some rumors in the liberal blogsosphere persist about Bristol's pregnancy, but have been wildy refuted.

"I've never even been to Alaska," said a desheveled and disgraced former Democratic candidate John Edwards in a prepared statement.

Efforts to confirm the schedule were unsuccessful since, despite repeated requests from CAP News and other outlets, the McCain campaign said none of the Palins would be available for any interviews between now and Election Day.

"We think it's in our best interest not to have any of them go off-script," determined the GOP speechwriter.

- CAP News Staff

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Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Massachusetts courts upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «»