Tuesday | September 2, 2014
Palin Embarks On First VPILF Tour Of America
Sarah starts to heat things up as Alaskan weather starts to cool things down.

WASILLA, AK. (CAP) - After a brief trip back to Alaska to prove her toughness with a wrestling match against a bear and a speech to the Wasilla PTA belittling "city folk who eat cheese and waste everyone's time trying to oganize things," upstart Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin and her children are set to begin a bizarre cross country campaign trek billed as a combination of church revival, carnival sideshow and dysfunctional family sitcom.

McCain campaign sources have told CAP News that Palin has been asked to "dress down" for the trip to accenuate her relatively good looks and beauty pageant past.

"We are trying to get her in some warm-weather climates," said a Republican operative. "Then give her a chance to maybe unbutton the top clasp on that blouse, let her hair down a bit, maybe whip off those glasses in a provactive way with a little soul/funk number playing in the background.

"We think it's a winning strategy."

The McCain campaign will also try to embrace the sticky subject of 17-year-old Bristol Palin's unwed pregnancy with having the teenager perform a Karaoke serenade of Great Grandpapa Don't Preach to the 72-year-old nominee durng a video appearance.

"We're hoping the 'I'm keeping my baby!' line will be a big applause-getter in the Heartland," the GOP strategist gushed.

Republicans have been trying to term Bristol's knocked-up revelation as a simple misunderstanding and a cute example of small-town life.

"When her mom was elected governor and she was told she'd be moving to Juneau she thought they wanted her to be More like Juno," the strategist claimed. "But she's getting married, so that should solve everything. I'm sure it will last."

Bristol's "fiance through acclimation" was less enthused about the attention. But Levi Johnson, who had a self-recorded version of Bristol's Mom Has Got It Going On on his MySpace page taken down along with his assertion that he never wants to have kids, has reportedly taken solace in the idea that a Republican victory is "my ticket out of this iceberg town."

Meanwhile, some rumors in the liberal blogsosphere persist about Bristol's pregnancy, but have been wildy refuted.

"I've never even been to Alaska," said a desheveled and disgraced former Democratic candidate John Edwards in a prepared statement.

Efforts to confirm the schedule were unsuccessful since, despite repeated requests from CAP News and other outlets, the McCain campaign said none of the Palins would be available for any interviews between now and Election Day.

"We think it's in our best interest not to have any of them go off-script," determined the GOP speechwriter.

- CAP News Staff

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