Friday | November 21, 2014
Palin Embarks On First VPILF Tour Of America
Sarah starts to heat things up as Alaskan weather starts to cool things down.

WASILLA, AK. (CAP) - After a brief trip back to Alaska to prove her toughness with a wrestling match against a bear and a speech to the Wasilla PTA belittling "city folk who eat cheese and waste everyone's time trying to oganize things," upstart Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin and her children are set to begin a bizarre cross country campaign trek billed as a combination of church revival, carnival sideshow and dysfunctional family sitcom.

McCain campaign sources have told CAP News that Palin has been asked to "dress down" for the trip to accenuate her relatively good looks and beauty pageant past.

"We are trying to get her in some warm-weather climates," said a Republican operative. "Then give her a chance to maybe unbutton the top clasp on that blouse, let her hair down a bit, maybe whip off those glasses in a provactive way with a little soul/funk number playing in the background.

"We think it's a winning strategy."

The McCain campaign will also try to embrace the sticky subject of 17-year-old Bristol Palin's unwed pregnancy with having the teenager perform a Karaoke serenade of Great Grandpapa Don't Preach to the 72-year-old nominee durng a video appearance.

"We're hoping the 'I'm keeping my baby!' line will be a big applause-getter in the Heartland," the GOP strategist gushed.

Republicans have been trying to term Bristol's knocked-up revelation as a simple misunderstanding and a cute example of small-town life.

"When her mom was elected governor and she was told she'd be moving to Juneau she thought they wanted her to be More like Juno," the strategist claimed. "But she's getting married, so that should solve everything. I'm sure it will last."

Bristol's "fiance through acclimation" was less enthused about the attention. But Levi Johnson, who had a self-recorded version of Bristol's Mom Has Got It Going On on his MySpace page taken down along with his assertion that he never wants to have kids, has reportedly taken solace in the idea that a Republican victory is "my ticket out of this iceberg town."

Meanwhile, some rumors in the liberal blogsosphere persist about Bristol's pregnancy, but have been wildy refuted.

"I've never even been to Alaska," said a desheveled and disgraced former Democratic candidate John Edwards in a prepared statement.

Efforts to confirm the schedule were unsuccessful since, despite repeated requests from CAP News and other outlets, the McCain campaign said none of the Palins would be available for any interviews between now and Election Day.

"We think it's in our best interest not to have any of them go off-script," determined the GOP speechwriter.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS
NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Detroit Lions "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «»
NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Detroit Lions "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «»