Thursday | March 28, 2024
Denver-Area Hookers: Yes We Did!
One of Denver's lovely ladies shows her support for the democratic process.

DENVER (CAP) - The Rocky Mountain State's premiere madam, Virginia Blossom, says although there's not so much "big D" in the pants of those big-D Democrats, convention goers - both delegates and politicians - more than made up for it with recession-proof, "yes-we-can" kinkiness.

Early receipts from last week show prostitutes' nightly income was up 42% over the same weeklong convention in Boston four years ago.

Denver-area strip clubs also reported record attendance last week, surpassing a week in the fall of 2007 when the Cincinnati Bengals were in town to play a Monday night NFL game against the Broncos, while Nuggets guard Allen Iverson was also celebrating a birthday.

"Do prostitutes even give receipts?" asked CAP senior solicitation/economic analyst, Mark Dunham. "Nevertheless, this is encouraging news for the economy. One politician told me earlier in the week that he spent $800 of his re-election contributions on a reach-around. Earlier this summer that would have cost him $300 dollars more.

"Or am I confusing this with the gas prices?" added Dunham. "Either way, it's good."

"I tell you, I did some crazy-ass stuff, but for the first time in my professional life I had to turn down more requests than I actually went through with," said Joy, 23.

Joy went on to say she had to refuse three particularly raunchy delegates who approached her back stage on Wednesday with a ballot box, a donkey, and 200 copies of the Wall Street Journal. "They got halfway through the request and I had to ask them to stop."

Emergency rooms around metropolitan Denver also reported that last week there was a giant spike in late-night visits by patients with items lodged in orifices. Coincidentally, according to a hospital spokesperson, for one of those incoming patients brought to the ER from backstage at the DNC, the item was, in fact, "a giant spike."

"There's only one other event I ever passed out at from pure boozing and sexual exhaustion," said Joy. "So when I woke up on Friday morning it took me a full 20 minutes to figure out: am I at OzzFest or the DNC?"

But, as one local observer of prostitution and politicians on the campaign trail told this reporter yesterday: "Next stop is St. Paul (MN) and the Republicans - that's a kerosene combination if there's ever been one. And it's going to make Denver look like Mass at St. Peter's.

- John Gettings
Contributing Writer

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