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CHAPPAQUA, N.Y. (CAP) - In a move that stunned the political landscape, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) held a press conference at her home this morning to announce that she would be Barack Obama's running mate against John McCain this fall.
"Despite all of our well-publicized differences during the primary campaign," she declared, "I have agreed to do the magnanimous thing and come to the rescue of the Barack Obama candidacy! Together, we will take back the White House!"
As the heads of political pundits spun recklessly off their torsos all over Washington, Obama campaign staffers moved quickly to dispute Clinton's claim and insist Obama will soon probably pick someone that no one outside of the MSNBC news staff meetings has ever heard of.
Yet Clinton remained undeterred, insisting that Obama needed her to win over the white, less-educated, older, rural, mostly female voters that she and her husband somehow managed to hypnotize during the extended campaign.
"I don't want to say 'I told you so,' but ..." said Clinton as she paused, waiting for an audience reponse that resulted in a barely audible dull murmur. "Well, I didn't say it. What I will say is that with me leading the way, my supporters and I can still manage to get this young Senator Obama fella elected after all."
Obama staffers sent out a furious array of text messages, again noting that Obama still led in most polls and that, once again, Clinton was not the VP choice. But since Clinton managed to text message all of them that she was the pick, as Obama had planned to do with supporters, they all turned their Blackberries to sleep mode and did not get the denials.
"And when I, I mean we, win back the White House," Clinton said with her trademark cackle, "I promise to be the best president, I mean vice president, in our country's history."
Clinton went on to note how she would show Obama where everything was when she first lived in the White House, would advise him on how it would be nice to have all of her things back where they rightfully belonged in the West Wing, and instructed that this time her husband would not be allowed any cigars while in the building.
"No matter what lame-ass reason he gives you," she spat.
She added that she planned to keep her Tuesday speaking slot at next week's Democratic convention, in addition to the traditional vice president's spot on Wednesday right after her husband.
She then said she looked forward to addressing her "75,000 adoring supporters" in the outdoor stadium Thursday night.
When reporters noted that Obama would be the one speaking in front of 75,000 people at the football stadium Thursday, Clinton responded tersely.
"We'll see about that. We are going to see about a lot of things."