Friday | March 29, 2024
Scabies Named Comeback Affliction Of The Year
A well-deserved honor for a classy disease

BOSTON (CAP) - Thanks in part to a high number of recent cases among illegal immigrants, researchers at the Tufts University School Of Medicine have declared the skin infection scabies to be the Comeback Affliction Of The Year, with the number of reported cases throughout the world hitting its highest in more than a decade this year.

"Other diseases came on strong this year, but scabies was up to the challenge," said Dr Kendra Marshall at a press conference to announce the results. "We also want to give an honorable mention to Irritable Bowel Syndrome - don't worry, your time is coming!"

This is the eighth year that Marshall and her team have gathered statistics on various diseases and illnesses, marked trends dating as far back as online medical records allow, and determined which pathological condition has really outshone all the others. Marshall said it was touch and go for a while, with a number of diseases really pushing for the top spot.

"We thought for sure crabs was going to make the big comeback that people have been anticipating for 30 years," said Marshall. "But these diseases have to ride on more than just past accomplishments to break back into the mainstream.

"Hats off to scabies," added Marshall as she led the room of Tufts researchers in a toast to the skin rash. "It is back and itchier than ever!"

Despite a vigorous marketing campaign by the Indoor Tanning Association, the popular cancer melanoma failed to return to the success it enjoyed in the mid-80's when it seemed like that was all anyone was talking about. But the ITA says they aren't giving up hope.

"Naturally we're disappointed, but we had quite the uphill battle," said ITA spokesperson Sarah Livwell. "We're constantly fighting public service announcements warning people about too much sun, but nobody's out there telling everyone how bad scabies is.

"We're proud of our accomplishments this year," added Livwell, "and we'll continue to support melanoma as the only natural cancer!"

Because of its newfound popularity with college students, the sexually transmitted disease Chlamydia finished a respectable second in the competition, with promises to put itself "over the top" with this year's freshman class.

Anthracosis, more affectionately known as black lung or collier's lung, struggled again this year, finishing a distant fifth.

- CAP News Staff

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