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TABLOIDS
NEW YORK (CAP) - Much has been made in the tabloids of celebrity party girl Lindsay Lohan's alleged romantic relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson, 30. But several prominent gay organizations are asking that, for the sake of lesbians, women and the world in general, she go back to being straight, and quickly.
"Frankly, this is the last thing we need," said Berta Friedrich, director of communications and marketing for the National Gay Task Force, Lesbian Division. "It's been five years and we've only just barely recovered from the whole Britney-Madonna kiss thing."
According to Friedrich, the preponderance of "temporary lesbians" has made it difficult for actual, lifetime lesbians to achieve their social and political goals.
"Frankly, we look at Lindsay and we see another Anne Heche," Friedrich said. Heche is the actress who dated Fleetwood Mac's Lindsay Buckingham before becoming involved in a high-profile relationship with lesbian comedian Ellen DeGeneres. After that relationship ended, she married a male cameraman; that relationship has since ended as well. It is rumored that she has now moved on to dating robots.
DeGeneres, meanwhile, is among the members of the lesbian community requesting that Lohan get back in the closet. "I'm all for free expression, but there are certain things that you expect from a lesbian - one, that you wear pants, but more importantly, that you wear underwear," she said. "Nice, sensible cotton underwear."
Then she broke down in tears, apologizing that she hasn't been the same since the dog she gave away was euthanized out of spite.
Not everyone has been disparaging of Lohan's new lifestyle, however. Josh Rehnquist, spokesman for the National Organization For Men, says his group wholeheartedly endorses the move.
"Dude, Lindsay Lohan should absolutely be a lesbian," he said. "And you have got to let me know if there are any videos of it online."
In sharp contrast, James Dobson, CEO of conservative watchdog group Focus On The Family, has been highly critical of Lohan's latest escapade.
"Frankly, we've been very disappointed that Lindsay has strayed so far from her wholesome youth, when she appeared in family films like The Parent Trap," said Dobson. "She should go back to dating someone like that nice Aaron Carter - he was so clean cut with those nice bangs and his little soul patch, and his washboard abs, and his chest with those tight little nipples, and that round tush ... mmm - uhh, can I call you back in 2 1/2 minutes?"
Lohan did not return calls seeking comment. But her mother, Dina Lohan - lately of the E! reality show Living Lohan - has responded to the controversy by also becoming a lesbian. "I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner," she said.
And in a surprising twist, Lindsay has received an unexpected show of support from the group of Greek citizens who recently sued unsuccessfully to ban the use of the term "lesbian," saying it was an insult to residents of their home isle of Lesbos.
"If she were to move here, Lindsay Lohan is someone we'd be proud to call a Lesbian," said spokesman Anatole Kontos, speaking from his island home. "And you have got to let me know if there are any videos of it online."
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