Monday | April 27, 2015
Favre Signs Deal With Gerber

ANDERSON, Ind. (CAP) - In the midst of a comeback attempt that is reportedly tearing apart the Green Bay Packers organization, retired quarterback Brett Favre has signed a multi-year, multi-million dollar endorsement deal with Gerber Baby Foods, according to a press release issued today by Nestle, Gerber's parent company.

"Endorsement deals are tough for baby food companies like ours, since there aren't really a lot of celebrity babies," said Wayne Mallacoat, Gerber's Chief Marketing Officer. "Sure, we've courted the babies of celebrities - Shiloh Jolie Pitt, Suri Cruise and the like - but those are babies who are only famous because their parents are famous.

"But Brett Favre is an actual celebrity in his own right, having enjoyed moderate success as a professional football player," added Mallacoat. "We really think his endorsement is going to boost our sales, especially among the really stupid, whiney boy babies."

Joan Swift, CEO of Sports Kids Marketing USA, noted that Favre's deal could open the flood gates for other celebrity athlete/babies to jump on the endorsement bandwagon.

"Look at how many famous athlete babies there are out there, or celebrities who act like infants or toddlers," said Swift. "Why not have those celebrities cash in by endorsing baby-related products? Wouldn't you like to see John McEnroe binkys, Phil Helmuth rectal thermometers, or Tony Stewart feety pajamas? I know I would!"

CAP News reached Favre at his home in Mississippi but our reporter was unable to obtain any semblance of a coherent quote because "the whining was just unbearable," said the reporter. However, in a taped recording of the brief encounter, Favre can be heard wailing something to the effect of, "Me wanna play for the Packers!" over and over again.

Gerber's new Brett Favre Fava Bean Puree is set to hit store shelves this September, just in time for the start of the NFL season, which may or may not see Favre taking snaps for the Packers or some other team.

- CAP News Staff

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Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «»