Tuesday | March 31, 2015
Scientists Warn Of New Global Luke Warming Threat
In a scene from his upcoming movie, Al Gore demonstrates the concepts of global luke warming with a bowl of soup.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A panel of top NASA scientists is warning that if swift action is not taken soon, the effects of global luke warming could become widespread and phlegmatic. In fact, the panel told Congress on Monday that global luke warming is likely affecting us now and we don't even realize it.

"We've seen it time and time again," James Hansen told Congressional leaders. "Cold drinks that don't stay cold during the summer months. Warm food that won't stay warm after it sits out for a while. We are facing an issue of epidemic proportions.

"Global luke warming is very real. It is very here. It is very now," said Hansen.

Hansen used flow charts and colorful diagrams to show the tendency of inanimate objects without their own heating or cooling source to always move slowly toward a median temperature regardless of their initial inherent temperature. Despite repeated requests to do so, he refused to specify a number for that end temperature, instead dubbing it in general terms as "room temperature."

"Theories of global luke warming have been around about as long as the idea of dressing in layers, but nobody's ever been able to prove it," said CAP News science consultant Bill Nye. "Even with Hansen's fancy charts and graphs, that's not to say the public's gonna buy it, either."

Nye has long been considered the crazy uncle of global luke warming after a 1993 episode of The Science Guy where he turned on both a cold water faucet as well as a hot water faucet and showed that the resultant stream of water was neither too hot nor too cold. Some still debunk Nye's decade-old theory.

"If there is such a thing as global luke warming - and I'm not saying there isn't - it must happen naturally in the environment," said Thomas Fingar, chairman of the National Intelligence Council. "Bill Nye can't just create luke warming in his kitchen and call it global. It doesn't work that way."

The Senate will vote next week on a Democratic-backed bill that will earmark funds for additional studies into global luke warming. Energy companies have already begun lobbying against the bill, fearful that it could mean a reduced reliance on electricity if it is proven that global luke warming can heat and cool things naturally.

A new Al Gore documentary on global luke warming called My Soup Is Cold is due to hit theatres next month.

- CAP News Staff

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Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «»