Tuesday | January 27, 2015
Scientists Warn Of New Global Luke Warming Threat
In a scene from his upcoming movie, Al Gore demonstrates the concepts of global luke warming with a bowl of soup.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A panel of top NASA scientists is warning that if swift action is not taken soon, the effects of global luke warming could become widespread and phlegmatic. In fact, the panel told Congress on Monday that global luke warming is likely affecting us now and we don't even realize it.

"We've seen it time and time again," James Hansen told Congressional leaders. "Cold drinks that don't stay cold during the summer months. Warm food that won't stay warm after it sits out for a while. We are facing an issue of epidemic proportions.

"Global luke warming is very real. It is very here. It is very now," said Hansen.

Hansen used flow charts and colorful diagrams to show the tendency of inanimate objects without their own heating or cooling source to always move slowly toward a median temperature regardless of their initial inherent temperature. Despite repeated requests to do so, he refused to specify a number for that end temperature, instead dubbing it in general terms as "room temperature."

"Theories of global luke warming have been around about as long as the idea of dressing in layers, but nobody's ever been able to prove it," said CAP News science consultant Bill Nye. "Even with Hansen's fancy charts and graphs, that's not to say the public's gonna buy it, either."

Nye has long been considered the crazy uncle of global luke warming after a 1993 episode of The Science Guy where he turned on both a cold water faucet as well as a hot water faucet and showed that the resultant stream of water was neither too hot nor too cold. Some still debunk Nye's decade-old theory.

"If there is such a thing as global luke warming - and I'm not saying there isn't - it must happen naturally in the environment," said Thomas Fingar, chairman of the National Intelligence Council. "Bill Nye can't just create luke warming in his kitchen and call it global. It doesn't work that way."

The Senate will vote next week on a Democratic-backed bill that will earmark funds for additional studies into global luke warming. Energy companies have already begun lobbying against the bill, fearful that it could mean a reduced reliance on electricity if it is proven that global luke warming can heat and cool things naturally.

A new Al Gore documentary on global luke warming called My Soup Is Cold is due to hit theatres next month.

- CAP News Staff

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ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «»