Wednesday | November 26, 2014
Scientists Warn Of New Global Luke Warming Threat
In a scene from his upcoming movie, Al Gore demonstrates the concepts of global luke warming with a bowl of soup.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A panel of top NASA scientists is warning that if swift action is not taken soon, the effects of global luke warming could become widespread and phlegmatic. In fact, the panel told Congress on Monday that global luke warming is likely affecting us now and we don't even realize it.

"We've seen it time and time again," James Hansen told Congressional leaders. "Cold drinks that don't stay cold during the summer months. Warm food that won't stay warm after it sits out for a while. We are facing an issue of epidemic proportions.

"Global luke warming is very real. It is very here. It is very now," said Hansen.

Hansen used flow charts and colorful diagrams to show the tendency of inanimate objects without their own heating or cooling source to always move slowly toward a median temperature regardless of their initial inherent temperature. Despite repeated requests to do so, he refused to specify a number for that end temperature, instead dubbing it in general terms as "room temperature."

"Theories of global luke warming have been around about as long as the idea of dressing in layers, but nobody's ever been able to prove it," said CAP News science consultant Bill Nye. "Even with Hansen's fancy charts and graphs, that's not to say the public's gonna buy it, either."

Nye has long been considered the crazy uncle of global luke warming after a 1993 episode of The Science Guy where he turned on both a cold water faucet as well as a hot water faucet and showed that the resultant stream of water was neither too hot nor too cold. Some still debunk Nye's decade-old theory.

"If there is such a thing as global luke warming - and I'm not saying there isn't - it must happen naturally in the environment," said Thomas Fingar, chairman of the National Intelligence Council. "Bill Nye can't just create luke warming in his kitchen and call it global. It doesn't work that way."

The Senate will vote next week on a Democratic-backed bill that will earmark funds for additional studies into global luke warming. Energy companies have already begun lobbying against the bill, fearful that it could mean a reduced reliance on electricity if it is proven that global luke warming can heat and cool things naturally.

A new Al Gore documentary on global luke warming called My Soup Is Cold is due to hit theatres next month.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE tech NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS
Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «»
Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «»