Saturday | September 5, 2015
Scientists Warn Of New Global Luke Warming Threat
In a scene from his upcoming movie, Al Gore demonstrates the concepts of global luke warming with a bowl of soup.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A panel of top NASA scientists is warning that if swift action is not taken soon, the effects of global luke warming could become widespread and phlegmatic. In fact, the panel told Congress on Monday that global luke warming is likely affecting us now and we don't even realize it.

"We've seen it time and time again," James Hansen told Congressional leaders. "Cold drinks that don't stay cold during the summer months. Warm food that won't stay warm after it sits out for a while. We are facing an issue of epidemic proportions.

"Global luke warming is very real. It is very here. It is very now," said Hansen.

Hansen used flow charts and colorful diagrams to show the tendency of inanimate objects without their own heating or cooling source to always move slowly toward a median temperature regardless of their initial inherent temperature. Despite repeated requests to do so, he refused to specify a number for that end temperature, instead dubbing it in general terms as "room temperature."

"Theories of global luke warming have been around about as long as the idea of dressing in layers, but nobody's ever been able to prove it," said CAP News science consultant Bill Nye. "Even with Hansen's fancy charts and graphs, that's not to say the public's gonna buy it, either."

Nye has long been considered the crazy uncle of global luke warming after a 1993 episode of The Science Guy where he turned on both a cold water faucet as well as a hot water faucet and showed that the resultant stream of water was neither too hot nor too cold. Some still debunk Nye's decade-old theory.

"If there is such a thing as global luke warming - and I'm not saying there isn't - it must happen naturally in the environment," said Thomas Fingar, chairman of the National Intelligence Council. "Bill Nye can't just create luke warming in his kitchen and call it global. It doesn't work that way."

The Senate will vote next week on a Democratic-backed bill that will earmark funds for additional studies into global luke warming. Energy companies have already begun lobbying against the bill, fearful that it could mean a reduced reliance on electricity if it is proven that global luke warming can heat and cool things naturally.

A new Al Gore documentary on global luke warming called My Soup Is Cold is due to hit theatres next month.

- CAP News Staff

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Los Angeles institutes Shower Shaming, asking residents to rat each other out if anyone wastes water and bathes more than once per week «» President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «»