Sunday | October 26, 2014
SJC Loosens Handgun Control To Help Economy
Dick Cheney lobbies for fewer gun restrictions in front of the Supreme Court earlier this year (CAP Photo)

WASHINGTON D.C. (CAP) - Lost in the shuffle of the Senate Judiciary Committee's vote to support Solicitor General Elena Kagan as the next justice of the U.S. Supreme Court comes word of a new ruling by the court that supporters are calling a "judicial economic stimulas plan."

The 5-3 ruling potentially opens up millions of previously firearm-free homes in America to the high-stakes game of handgun possession, a decision supported by the likes of former Vice President Dick Cheney, last seen holed up in an undisclosed location shoring up his arsenal for the impending onslaught of well-armed liberals.

The "One For Guns And Guns For All" program aims to cut out nearly all of the pesky restrictions that keep loaded weapons off nightstands and will allow for a pistol proliferation in new urban markets throughout the country.

"Just think about it," said a spokesman for Justice Antonin Scalia, "you have a low-income housing development in any crime-ridden section of any major city in America. Those high rises can have 2,000 units in them. That's 2,000 more people out there buying guns and ammunition right there and pouring that money into our economy.

"At $500 a piece, that's a million dollars worth of guns we are generating out of one housing complex," he added, "and that doesn't even include bullets.

"Then you've got to figure that if everybody in one high-risk community is packing, then everyone in the rival high rise down the street has to get a gun, too. So you are talking millions of new customer dollars every few city blocks."

As law enforcement officials throughout the country collectively shuddered, the spokesman argued that any healthcare expense increases associated with more emergency room visits would be offset by the financial benefits to funeral homes and new population controls in overcrowded cities.

"It's really a net gain, if you think about it," he determined.

A disappointed Kagan said she "really wanted to vote on that one, dammit" and hoped the justices would delay any further rulings until she is officially appointed to the court. She then went back to trying to figure out who sang the original 1985 hit The Roof is On Fire.

The Supreme Court is still hoping to have most regulations to personal handgun use lifted in time for the all-important summer heat-packing season and the early back-to-campus shooting spree sales throughout next month.

- CAP News Staff

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