WASHINGTON (CAP) - Marking its final decision before breaking for summer recess, the United States Supreme Court has declared that the tight shorts and shirts worn by biking enthusiasts are "obscene, inappropriate, and frankly way too much information."
"Do any of us need to know the anatomical details of those who utilize this two-wheeled means of recreation and transportation?" stated Chief Justice John Roberts in a lengthy opinion. "I certainly don't, and that goes double in the case of male bikers.
"My legal advice is to cover it, dudes," Roberts added.
Biker clothing supporters argued that the justices had already "mentally checked out" for summer when they published the decision, and pointed to the fact that the Court concluded 53 cases on its last day of work, all of them by unanimous verdict.
"I agree wholeheartedly with the opinion of Chief Justice Roberts, which is pretty much what I always do," wrote Justice Clarence Thomas. "It's much easier than developing an opinion of my own."
Justice Anthony Kennedy, usually the swing vote on such issues, agreed with the majority opinion. "These bikers need a wardrobe makeover. And don't give me the aerodynamic argument. How aerodynamic do you have to be when you're pedaling down the block to Starbucks?"
Justice John Paul Stevens, generally considered among the most liberal members of the Court, applauded the decision. "Yesterday I handed my judicial robe to the biker standing behind me on line at the ATM machine. I mean, there were children nearby, you know?"
Concluded Justice Antonin Scalia, "If I want to see the size, shape, and dimensions of the body parts in question, I'll spend more time viewing the anatomy books over at the Surgeon General's office."
When the Supreme Court returns to session in October, one of the first cases it will take up involves appropriate clothing for neighbors to wear while on their own deck yet still in full view of your children.
- Robert Friedman