Friday | December 19, 2014
Supreme Court Declares Biker Outfits Obscene

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Marking its final decision before breaking for summer recess, the United States Supreme Court has declared that the tight shorts and shirts worn by biking enthusiasts are "obscene, inappropriate, and frankly way too much information."

"Do any of us need to know the anatomical details of those who utilize this two-wheeled means of recreation and transportation?" stated Chief Justice John Roberts in a lengthy opinion. "I certainly don't, and that goes double in the case of male bikers.

"My legal advice is to cover it, dudes," Roberts added.

Biker clothing supporters argued that the justices had already "mentally checked out" for summer when they published the decision, and pointed to the fact that the Court concluded 53 cases on its last day of work, all of them by unanimous verdict.

"I agree wholeheartedly with the opinion of Chief Justice Roberts, which is pretty much what I always do," wrote Justice Clarence Thomas. "It's much easier than developing an opinion of my own."

Justice Anthony Kennedy, usually the swing vote on such issues, agreed with the majority opinion. "These bikers need a wardrobe makeover. And don't give me the aerodynamic argument. How aerodynamic do you have to be when you're pedaling down the block to Starbucks?"

Justice John Paul Stevens, generally considered among the most liberal members of the Court, applauded the decision. "Yesterday I handed my judicial robe to the biker standing behind me on line at the ATM machine. I mean, there were children nearby, you know?"

Concluded Justice Antonin Scalia, "If I want to see the size, shape, and dimensions of the body parts in question, I'll spend more time viewing the anatomy books over at the Surgeon General's office."

When the Supreme Court returns to session in October, one of the first cases it will take up involves appropriate clothing for neighbors to wear while on their own deck yet still in full view of your children.

- Robert Friedman
Contributing Writer

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The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over the holidays due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «»