Wednesday | April 23, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@PopeFrancis #RedMeatFridays
One unmarried Catholic expresses her displeasure at the new Pope's very Catholic views.
FROM THE VAULT
April 17, 2008
NHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs DevilsNHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs Devils
Fake Advertisement

BASEBALL

Specter: Minor League Baseball Mascot Races Fixed
Slugger and Specter in happier times
Specter: Minor League Baseball Mascot Races Fixed

PORTLAND, MAINE (CAP) - "Slugger," the mascot for the Double-A baseball team the Portland Sea Dogs, will be the first of many baseball mascots called before a Congressional committee investigating possible wrongdoing at Minor League ballgames, sources say.

"We have credible evidence that, in racing young fans around the bases between innings, Slugger may have, on numerous occasions, let the fan win, thus shattering expectations of fair, above-board play at our sporting contests," Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) wrote in a letter to Commissioner of Baseball Bud Selig. "Frankly, I'm appalled. Even more appalled than usual, I mean."

Specter is apparently basing his concerns on a recent study showing that, out of more than 1,000 such races that Slugger has participated in since 1994, he has never won a single one, despite being clearly larger and more skilled at running than most of his young opponents.

"Listen, Slugger is a large, capable half-seal/half-dog with the stamina to lead a crowd of 7,000 through a boisterous version of the Village People's YMCA," noted Specter when contacted by CAP News. "You're telling me he can't beat a 7-year-old around a baseball diamond? Something stinks here."

Specter also claimed that Slugger and other members of his mascot brethren, including Ribbee of the West Tennessee Diamond Jaxx and Homer the Polecat of the Huntsville Stars, have attempted to unduly influence fans by offering them free merchandise, such as shirts and towels, usually fired at them at high rates of speed through so-called "T-shirt cannons" that may have been smuggled in from Iran.

Specter: Minor League Baseball Mascot Races Fixed
Sen. Arlen Specter

"What these characters are going to find out is that baseball fans can't be bought or intimidated, even Minor League baseball fans," said Specter. "They see Homer the Polecat for the skunk he really is. Or weasel. We have it narrowed down to one of those two."

Slugger, who is mute, had no comment. But a spokesman for the Portland Sea Dogs insisted that the races are legitimate, as are the contest to throw fake groceries into giant supermarket carts and the one where a blindfolded man runs around the outfield trying to knock down a gigantic inflated Chick-Fil-A cow.

"We take great pride in our professionalism and our integrity," said Bob Reynolds of the Portland Sea Dogs front office. "Just ask the Sea Dog Trash Monsters when you're throwing away your hot dog wrappers and soda cups in their mouth."

Selig has yet to comment on the scandal, but insiders fear it could have serious repercussions in the mascot community.

"Remember what happened with Mr. Met?" asked one mascot who declined to be named, referring to the 1989 incident where a player hit the New York Mets mascot in the head with a baseball bat. "It took years to get beyond that."

In that case, after a lengthy trial, the player was cleared on the grounds that Mr. Met's head is a giant baseball.


- CAP News Staff

MORE sports NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «» Seahawks Cornerback Richard Sherman could miss the Super Bowl after receiving a concussion while trying to squeeze his giant head through a doorway. "When you cram my greatness through a sorry normal door, that's the result you gonna get," he said. "But I'm still better at life than all y'all." «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez says he will not appeal his 162-game suspension because he would have only played about 40 games next year anyway. "My body is so damaged from all those steroids that I'd just be on the DL anyhow," he said. "The joke's on them, really." «» The Brooklyn Nets have secured a deal with baby product manufacturer Playtex to provide coach Jason Kidd with a supply of sippy cups for his courtside drinks. "Toddlers are tough customers, but Jason will really put to the test just how spill proof our cups are," noted a company spokesperson. «» Six-year-old Boston Red Sox fan Timmy Greene has finally witnessed his beloved team winning the World Series after waiting his entire life for the opportunity. "I never thought I'd live to see this," Timmy said. "To all my two-year-old St. Louis friends: your time will come." «» Following protests over the Washington Redskins' name and subsequent attempts to rename them the Honkeys, the NFL says it will simply replace all team names with numbers. "How do you like them apples, you overly sensitive pansies," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Now the Redskins' name will match their game: #2." «» The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have improved to 3-0 versus the staph infection MRSA with the diagnosis of cornerback Johnthan Banks. "We can't win shit on the field, but we're killing this disease," said coach Greg Schiano. "As long as we keep sharing bodily fluids, we'll definitely keep this streak going." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «»
    Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «» Seahawks Cornerback Richard Sherman could miss the Super Bowl after receiving a concussion while trying to squeeze his giant head through a doorway. "When you cram my greatness through a sorry normal door, that's the result you gonna get," he said. "But I'm still better at life than all y'all." «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez says he will not appeal his 162-game suspension because he would have only played about 40 games next year anyway. "My body is so damaged from all those steroids that I'd just be on the DL anyhow," he said. "The joke's on them, really." «» The Brooklyn Nets have secured a deal with baby product manufacturer Playtex to provide coach Jason Kidd with a supply of sippy cups for his courtside drinks. "Toddlers are tough customers, but Jason will really put to the test just how spill proof our cups are," noted a company spokesperson. «» Six-year-old Boston Red Sox fan Timmy Greene has finally witnessed his beloved team winning the World Series after waiting his entire life for the opportunity. "I never thought I'd live to see this," Timmy said. "To all my two-year-old St. Louis friends: your time will come." «» Following protests over the Washington Redskins' name and subsequent attempts to rename them the Honkeys, the NFL says it will simply replace all team names with numbers. "How do you like them apples, you overly sensitive pansies," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Now the Redskins' name will match their game: #2." «» The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have improved to 3-0 versus the staph infection MRSA with the diagnosis of cornerback Johnthan Banks. "We can't win shit on the field, but we're killing this disease," said coach Greg Schiano. "As long as we keep sharing bodily fluids, we'll definitely keep this streak going." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «»