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TEMECULA, Calif. (CAP) - With oil prices soaring over $130 a barrel, the average driver now spends more per week on gas than the average drug addict spends on heroin, according to a study published in the latest issue of the scientific journal, The Economics Of Street Drugs.
"This is definitely a first in the history of street drugs," said study author Mallory Fulbright. "It's incredible - heroin users are now spending more on gas to drive to their dealers to buy drugs than they are for the actual drugs. And with gas prices constantly climbing, the gap is just going to get wider and wider.
"I hate to say it, but this is the first time in American history that it's actually made sound economic sense to be a heroin addict," Fulbright added.
Aaron Dinnowitz, director of CAREFUL (Californians Are Respectfully Empowered For Using Life-altering-substances) told CAP News that the meteoric rise in gas prices contrasted with the relative stability of heroin prices should lead to a new supply-and-demand paradigm.
"Delivery service from dealers is right around the corner," Dinnowitz said. "People are not going to be able to afford to drive to their dealers to make their purchases. To stay in business, dealers will be forced to start offering delivery service, thereby absorbing the high cost of gasoline."
However, Dinnowitz said this solution really won't solve much. "The dealers who do deliver will be forced to increase the price of their product to cover their driving expenses, so it's really a vicious circle," he said. "It's almost going to make it tough for people to justify even doing heroin in the first place."
"We're all addicted to gasoline," added environmental physicist Christina Mellon, "but only some of us are addicted to heroin. To tell you the truth, with prices the way they are now, we'd be better off designing a car that runs on heroin, and injecting gasoline into our veins.
Mellon pointed out that gasoline in her native Alaska is running at $22 a gallon, meaning it would cost her $875 a week to drive her truck. "Shoot, I can stay high 24 hours a day, seven days a week for less than half that amount," Mellon lamented. "Gas blows."
American Energy director Pavel Kameness agreed. "We're screwed." said Kameness. "This oil crisis is going to drive us all crazy. Well, all except the people who don't care about anything because they are high on heroin.
"Those lucky bastards are just kicking back and counting up their fat stacks of extra cash," said Kameness. "Sweet."