Sunday | December 11, 2016
Bush Grants Secret Service Protection To Polar Bear
A Secret Service agent keeps an eye out for predators at his new post in Alaska.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CAP) - Boxed into a corner by the courts and its own scientists, the Bush administration agreed last week to place the polar bear under the protection of the Secret Service. In making the announcement, President Bush said he was sensitive to the concerns of environmentalists and wants to see a thriving polar bear population as much as anyone.

"Believe me, I don't want anything to happen that would keep America's polar bears from being able to share their little bottles of Coca-Cola with the penguins, or anyone else they come across up there in Alaska, or wherever they are," he said.

"The experts say the polar bears need protection," continued Bush, "and nobody gives protection like these Secret Service guys, lemme tell ya. For one thing, they always make sure to take your keys away if you're tanked."

But Mike Dalfin, conservation director for the National Audubon Society, says garnering Secret Service protection is not much of a victory for the endangered polar bear.

"Most studies show that the polar bears are being threatened by dangerously shrinking ice floes, not assassination attempts," said Dalfin. "There's even less of a likelihood of polar bears being affected by counterfeiting or forgery of government checks or bonds."

Dalfin noted that his group wasn't in much of a position to complain, however, since any day that the EPA isn't knocking the National Audubon Society down and taking its lunch money has to be considered a pretty good one, he said.

Meanwhile, one Secret Service agent - who declined to be named, citing security reasons - said the bears have not taken well to the protection details assigned to them. "Frankly, whenever we get close to them they try to maul us," he said. "It's almost as bad as being assigned to President Clinton."

"Also, we've lost three agents when the ice floes they were standing on melted out from under them," he lamented. "It's ridiculous - my roommate at the academy got to work Jenna Bush's wedding, and I'm out here freezing my ass off." Then he was run over by a walrus.

The move has also caught the attention of former Vice President and Nobel Peace Prize winner Al Gore, who explained, through a 90-minute PowerPoint presentation that he displayed through a projector powered by foot pedals, why providing secret service protection would be much less effective than regulating greenhouse gas emissions from automobiles, power plants and other sources.

"About a million billion times less effective, in fact," he said. "And yes, I know a million billion is not really a number."

Gore also added that if he had been awarded the presidency when he won the popular vote in 2000, by now every single polar bear would be living in his or her very own Fortress of Solitude.

Still, President Bush declared the use of the Secret Service in this situation to be a step in the right direction for the polar bears. "We've also told Dick Cheney that he can't hunt them anymore," he noted, "especially the ones he has drugged and hobbled and released wearing blindfolds."

- CAP News Staff

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The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» New education reform bill replaces D's and F's with frownie-face stickers to soften the blow and help kids "feel successful even in their failures" «» Congressional oversight committee says it has "new information" and is reopening Iran-Contra investigation, will have Oliver North testify as soon as Hillary Clinton is done «» Judge Judy to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Supreme Court as part of effort to bring more wit and sarcasm to proceedings and appeal to 18-49 demographic «» President Obama invites kindergarten student to White House whose finger and thumb were mistaken for a gun at recess, but Secret Service has him wear a mitten on the hand "just in case" «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»