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ROCHESTER, NY (CAP) - Utilizing techniques that helped them determine that they themselves are full of shit, researchers at the Rochester Institute of Technology have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is in fact completely full of shit.
"So I'm watching one of her speeches and I'm thinking, boy, she sounds like me," said lead researcher Dr. Roderick Crawford. "Completely, totally and utterly full of shit. She'd make a great scientist."
Crawford said that following that speech, he and a handful of other RIT researchers set about trying to scientifically prove what they knew to be true, and decided to use the procedures that led to their report in the journal Science that declared scientists themselves don't know shit.
"We analyzed every facet of the speech, from It's great to be here to Thank you and good night, then collected and collated the data and ran it through our BSDetector device," said Crawford.
Crawford said the machine was re-calibrated three times because the results defied logic. However, each time it reported Hillary's BS level at 106%. "It was the scientific equivalent of cramming 10 pounds of shit into a five-pound bag," said Crawford.
Additionally, Crawford noted that when Hillary talked about having dinner nightly with Bill and Chelsea, the machine caught on fire. While the fire was put out, the machine was irreparably damaged and can't be replaced prior to the November elections.
"So at this point, people will just have to watch Hillary themselves and try to figure out if she's full of shit," said Crawford. "Hopefully she'll continue to make it easy on us."
Calls to the Clinton camp seeking comment were unreturned.
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