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REDMOND, Wash. (CAP) - A CAP News investigative report has revealed that Microsoft's failed bid for Yahoo had less to do with the perceived value of the offer and everything to do with a typographical error in paperwork filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission. As such, Microsoft has acquired the beverage company Yoo-Hoo for an estimated $45 billion in cash and stock.
"It's pretty well known in Microsoft circles about [CEO Steve] Ballmer's love for the chocolatey goodness of Yoo-Hoo," one Microsoft official told CAP News under the condition of anonymity. "So there are a lot of people who question the whole 'typo' thing and wonder if this wasn't by design."
The combination would offer shareholders "superior thirst-quenching value" and makes both companies better positioned to broaden their scope and compete in the growing beverage solutions market for IT professionals. This is Microsoft's first foray back into food services since its failed buy-out of Clark Bars from NECCO back in 1996.
"Microsoft is like the Google of the Internet," said CAP News technology consultant Ronald Wayne. "If you can't lick it, buy it. If you can't buy it, squash it. If you can't squash it - well, that's never happened."
Officials for Yoo-Hoo learned of the acquisition when CAP News called for comment, but surprisingly were not extremely shocked at word of a new owner. Yoo-Hoo Vice President of Taste Testing Herb Ormont told CAP News it's been tough to keep their organizational matrix straight.
"Cadbury, Schweppes, Mott's, Snapple, I have no idea who owned us last month," Ormont said. "But hey, if we don't have to pay all that money for MS Office anymore, that's cool. We were actually just starting to switch over to Open Office here because that thing's so damn expensive."
While Google's top executives are relieved that Microsoft's bid for Yahoo did not come to fruition, they are expressing grave concern over the software giant's successful entrance into the soft drink market. Documents obtained by CAP News reveal multiple attempts by Google to reach a deal of their own with Hershey's Milkshakes.
"Fine, whatever, so Microsoft got to beverages before us," said Alan Eustace, Google's Senior Vice President of Engineering and Research. "But I'll tell you where Microsoft isn't, but Google will be by this summer: pork belly futures. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it."
Shares of Yoo-Hoo zoomed 1400% on word of the deal to a record-high $2.10, while Microsoft tumbled 6.6% after lactose intolerance support groups came out against the deal.