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The CAP News NFL Draft Preview, Part II
The CAP News NFL Draft Preview, Part II

Here's the second half of CAP's analysis and predictions for the first round of the NFL Draft this weekend. If you missed the first half, you can check it out here.

17. Kansas City: The Chiefs traded defensive end Jared Allen to the Vikings earlier this week for this pick. The word is that someone who can squat a lot of weight will be available to them here. Apparently, that's a good thing.

18. Houston: We read on a porn website that the Texans will select a fullback. It seemed legit, so we're going with that, too.

19. Philadelphia: Wouldn't it be great if Andy Reid and Bill Parcells both found the "immunity idol" at the same time? (See Denver's #12 pick) And the confrontation quickly turned into two old fat guys wrestling for a cheap statue. Is it getting hot in here, or is it just us? The Eagles will take a place kicker.

20. Tampa Bay: Our "NFL Draft expert" told us the Bucs will take a running back here. But our "NFL Draft expert" was Bryant Gumbel, so that prediction - much like his play-by-play, is horribly, horribly wrong.

21. Washington: That porn website (we spent a lot of time doing research there) also said the Redskins will take a fullback. Makes sense to us. This will probably be the beginning of the fullback run.

22. Dallas: The Cowboys traded for suspended cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones earlier this week. If he's going to corrupt a rookie, it has to be someone who can jump right in and work on his off-the-field misdemeanors and felonies immediately under the tutelage of the master. Dallas will keep that in mind when making this selection.

The CAP News NFL Draft Preview, Part II
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

23. Pittsburgh: The Steeler's pick is very obvious. They're going to nab someone whose stock is rising, who's got a great motor, who can play in a one-gap or two-gap system, and can potentially be a shut-down corner. Bank on that.

24. Tennessee: No "Pacman" Jones means there's a probation officer in Tennessee who just had his social calendar open up - way up. Maybe he has a son? If so, the Titans will take him here.

25. Seattle: The Seahawks were hoping to acquire more players - younger players, ideally - this month. This should be a great opportunity for them to do that. It's really nice that the NFL does this every year. I know teams like the Seahawks really appreciate it. They'll take a long snapper with this pick.

26. Jacksonville: The Jaguars will take North Carolina 6-4, 308-pound defensive tackle, Kentwan Balmer with this pick.

27. San Diego: Team officials in San Diego told us that they are willing to part with this pick. They're looking to trade for someone less weepy than LaDainian Tomlinson.

28. Dallas: With this pick the Cowboys will go after a player other sites have labeled "a tweener." We haven't figured out what that is yet, but quarterback Tony Romo better stay away; our sources tell us he likes jail bait.

29. San Francisco: In the spirit of Earth Day earlier this week, the 49ers will be taking a "recycled draft pick." Apparently, that's another team's draft pick from two years ago, who is available once again. Chances are, however, that such a player would still be on the other team that drafted him, so we think someone dropped the ball there. Nice idea, though.

30. Green Bay: No glaring vacancies on this team. They actually may just "pass" and wait until next round.

31. N.Y. Giants: Does it really matter? If you're picking down here, you have no chance of winning the Super Bowl. Giants fans get ready for another disappointing season.

- John Gettings
Contributing Writer
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NBA star Jason Collins has come out and publicly announced that he is black and has been his entire life, shocking teammates who "thought he just tanned really well." Said one friend, "There was always speculation, but after he appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated, we knew for sure." «» With the first overall pick in the NFL draft, the Kansas City Chiefs have selected ACC referee Ron Cherry, a move expected to bolster a team whose only hope of winning this year is to have their own referee on payroll. "I wish we thought of that," noted the Jaguars. «» Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice, fired for abusing his players, has been offered a job coaching Penn State. "As long as the kids keep their clothes on, then we're a step ahead of where we usually are," said AD Dave Joyner. "Besides, I want him on my intramural dodgeball team." «» The AFL's Orlando Predators have offered Tim Tebow a 15-year contract, saying head injuries and longevity are no concern for a man who never takes a snap. "We don't need him to actually play," said owner Brett Bouchy. "We just want him there to keep our quarterback on his toes." «» Kobe Bryant has decided not to divorce his wife Vanessa, citing "irreconcilable dollar amounts." The Lakers star said he would have to produce two or three new sex tapes per year just to afford the alimony, which would then make his gratuitous sexual trysts "seem way too much like work." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «»
NBA star Jason Collins has come out and publicly announced that he is black and has been his entire life, shocking teammates who "thought he just tanned really well." Said one friend, "There was always speculation, but after he appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated, we knew for sure." «» With the first overall pick in the NFL draft, the Kansas City Chiefs have selected ACC referee Ron Cherry, a move expected to bolster a team whose only hope of winning this year is to have their own referee on payroll. "I wish we thought of that," noted the Jaguars. «» Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice, fired for abusing his players, has been offered a job coaching Penn State. "As long as the kids keep their clothes on, then we're a step ahead of where we usually are," said AD Dave Joyner. "Besides, I want him on my intramural dodgeball team." «» The AFL's Orlando Predators have offered Tim Tebow a 15-year contract, saying head injuries and longevity are no concern for a man who never takes a snap. "We don't need him to actually play," said owner Brett Bouchy. "We just want him there to keep our quarterback on his toes." «» Kobe Bryant has decided not to divorce his wife Vanessa, citing "irreconcilable dollar amounts." The Lakers star said he would have to produce two or three new sex tapes per year just to afford the alimony, which would then make his gratuitous sexual trysts "seem way too much like work." «» With the White House under fire from numerous directions, press secretary Jay Carney dropped his usual demeanor to tell reporters to "fucking back the fuck off" and that he was "sick of answering dumb-ass questions." He then threatened to have the IRS "personally audit every single one of you fucks." «» Parental advisory groups are up in arms over the naming of the new One Direction sports drink, simply called OD. "Other than their obvious lack of originality, it's the slogan we don't like," said Mothers Against Everything. "Have You OD'ed Today? isn't exactly the message we should be sending children." «» Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say they have isolated the hormone Honkytonkin, found predominantly in white males from Southern states. The protein is one of a new group of complex redneck carbohydrates similar genetically to white trash peptides and has the same molecular structure as cheap beer. «» Disney has crowned its newest official princess, a somewhat short and stocky stringy-haired character named Frumpy Fran. "The life and accomplishments of all the other princesses are way too unachievable for little girls," said a spokesperson. "Fran is basically the princess from the projects, which more girls can relate to." «» U.S. logging industry officials say these days, loggers are chopping down trees "just because" it's all they know how to do. "With the ailing housing market, dying newspaper industry and paperless billing, people aren't using as many trees," said one contractor. "Maybe some day people will need more fence posts." «»