Monday | April 27, 2015
The CAP News NFL Draft Preview

The CAP News staff doesn't know much about the National Football League, but that didn't stop us from previewing this weekend's NFL Draft, which begins on Saturday, April 26. Here are our predictions for the first round:

1. Miami: The Dolphins have the first pick, which probably means they were great last year - probably even won the big championship game. Look for them to pick either a large, beefy young man or small, speedy young man who will play football for them this upcoming season. They should win it all again this year.

2. St. Louis: We read rumors online this week that the Rams were going to draft a "wide cornerfront" here. But we don't think that's even a real position, so they could probably use some help with their draft preparatons.

3. Atlanta: We're guessing the best available dog lover will go here.

4. Oakland: Does it really matter?

5. Kansas City: The Chiefs front office is already in negotiations with one of Hershel Walker's personalities: the fast one.

6. N.Y. Jets: The Jets are behind on draft preparations because they've been digging under the Meadowlands to find whatever it is that's been cursing them for the last four decades. We're going to go out on a limb and guess they'll take someone who sucks at this spot.

7. New England: If a new, repaired franchise image drops down to here, they'll take it. However, just back from the spring high school A/V combine, they'll likely use this pick to select a new videographer.

8. Baltimore: We have no idea who the Ravens will pick, but their receptionist told us everyone was watching old Dancing With The Stars reruns to find the next Emmit Smith.

9. Cincinnati: So many background checks to do, so little time - why bother?

10. New Orleans: We found out that the Saints are looking to package this pick and "some slightly water-damaged" seats from the Superdome in a draft day trade for an experienced cornerback who "might stay healthy for a handful of games."

11. Buffalo: Whoever the team selects should sign quickly. The Bills have already announced plans to replace their rookie signing bonus with a credit redeemable at Eliot Spitzer's Emperor's Club VIP.

12. Denver: Wouldn't it be great if NFL commissioner Roger Goodell hid an "immunity idol" somewhere before the draft, and then whichever team found it would get to move up to the first pick in the next round. Wouldn't that be exciting? It's Amazing Race meets Survivor at the Draft. Oh, and we have no idea who the Broncos will pick.

13. Carolina: We're guessing the Panthers will take someone who can squat a lot of weight.

14. Chicago: The Bears are looking for help at several positions, so they will address one of those issues with this pick.

15. Detroit: We spoke to Lions general manager Matt Millen this week and he told us not to worry, he's already found what he's looking for: that seventh-round gem that he'll steal in the first round.

16. Arizona: The Cardinals will take a punter in each of the first three rounds.

Click here to check out part two of our draft preview.

- John Gettings
Contributing Writer

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Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «»