Tuesday | September 1, 2015
The CAP News NFL Draft Preview

The CAP News staff doesn't know much about the National Football League, but that didn't stop us from previewing this weekend's NFL Draft, which begins on Saturday, April 26. Here are our predictions for the first round:

1. Miami: The Dolphins have the first pick, which probably means they were great last year - probably even won the big championship game. Look for them to pick either a large, beefy young man or small, speedy young man who will play football for them this upcoming season. They should win it all again this year.

2. St. Louis: We read rumors online this week that the Rams were going to draft a "wide cornerfront" here. But we don't think that's even a real position, so they could probably use some help with their draft preparatons.

3. Atlanta: We're guessing the best available dog lover will go here.

4. Oakland: Does it really matter?

5. Kansas City: The Chiefs front office is already in negotiations with one of Hershel Walker's personalities: the fast one.

6. N.Y. Jets: The Jets are behind on draft preparations because they've been digging under the Meadowlands to find whatever it is that's been cursing them for the last four decades. We're going to go out on a limb and guess they'll take someone who sucks at this spot.

7. New England: If a new, repaired franchise image drops down to here, they'll take it. However, just back from the spring high school A/V combine, they'll likely use this pick to select a new videographer.

8. Baltimore: We have no idea who the Ravens will pick, but their receptionist told us everyone was watching old Dancing With The Stars reruns to find the next Emmit Smith.

9. Cincinnati: So many background checks to do, so little time - why bother?

10. New Orleans: We found out that the Saints are looking to package this pick and "some slightly water-damaged" seats from the Superdome in a draft day trade for an experienced cornerback who "might stay healthy for a handful of games."

11. Buffalo: Whoever the team selects should sign quickly. The Bills have already announced plans to replace their rookie signing bonus with a credit redeemable at Eliot Spitzer's Emperor's Club VIP.

12. Denver: Wouldn't it be great if NFL commissioner Roger Goodell hid an "immunity idol" somewhere before the draft, and then whichever team found it would get to move up to the first pick in the next round. Wouldn't that be exciting? It's Amazing Race meets Survivor at the Draft. Oh, and we have no idea who the Broncos will pick.

13. Carolina: We're guessing the Panthers will take someone who can squat a lot of weight.

14. Chicago: The Bears are looking for help at several positions, so they will address one of those issues with this pick.

15. Detroit: We spoke to Lions general manager Matt Millen this week and he told us not to worry, he's already found what he's looking for: that seventh-round gem that he'll steal in the first round.

16. Arizona: The Cardinals will take a punter in each of the first three rounds.

Click here to check out part two of our draft preview.

- John Gettings
Contributing Writer

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LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «»