Thursday | March 5, 2015
The CAP News NFL Draft Preview

The CAP News staff doesn't know much about the National Football League, but that didn't stop us from previewing this weekend's NFL Draft, which begins on Saturday, April 26. Here are our predictions for the first round:

1. Miami: The Dolphins have the first pick, which probably means they were great last year - probably even won the big championship game. Look for them to pick either a large, beefy young man or small, speedy young man who will play football for them this upcoming season. They should win it all again this year.

2. St. Louis: We read rumors online this week that the Rams were going to draft a "wide cornerfront" here. But we don't think that's even a real position, so they could probably use some help with their draft preparatons.

3. Atlanta: We're guessing the best available dog lover will go here.

4. Oakland: Does it really matter?

5. Kansas City: The Chiefs front office is already in negotiations with one of Hershel Walker's personalities: the fast one.

6. N.Y. Jets: The Jets are behind on draft preparations because they've been digging under the Meadowlands to find whatever it is that's been cursing them for the last four decades. We're going to go out on a limb and guess they'll take someone who sucks at this spot.

7. New England: If a new, repaired franchise image drops down to here, they'll take it. However, just back from the spring high school A/V combine, they'll likely use this pick to select a new videographer.

8. Baltimore: We have no idea who the Ravens will pick, but their receptionist told us everyone was watching old Dancing With The Stars reruns to find the next Emmit Smith.

9. Cincinnati: So many background checks to do, so little time - why bother?

10. New Orleans: We found out that the Saints are looking to package this pick and "some slightly water-damaged" seats from the Superdome in a draft day trade for an experienced cornerback who "might stay healthy for a handful of games."

11. Buffalo: Whoever the team selects should sign quickly. The Bills have already announced plans to replace their rookie signing bonus with a credit redeemable at Eliot Spitzer's Emperor's Club VIP.

12. Denver: Wouldn't it be great if NFL commissioner Roger Goodell hid an "immunity idol" somewhere before the draft, and then whichever team found it would get to move up to the first pick in the next round. Wouldn't that be exciting? It's Amazing Race meets Survivor at the Draft. Oh, and we have no idea who the Broncos will pick.

13. Carolina: We're guessing the Panthers will take someone who can squat a lot of weight.

14. Chicago: The Bears are looking for help at several positions, so they will address one of those issues with this pick.

15. Detroit: We spoke to Lions general manager Matt Millen this week and he told us not to worry, he's already found what he's looking for: that seventh-round gem that he'll steal in the first round.

16. Arizona: The Cardinals will take a punter in each of the first three rounds.

Click here to check out part two of our draft preview.

- John Gettings
Contributing Writer

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Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «»