Tuesday | April 21, 2015
SJC To Hear Challenge To Affordable Beer Act
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg leans forward as she attempts to hear the case.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The United States Supreme Court has agreed to hear arguments on the legality of the Affordable Beer Act, a new regulation designed to ensure low income families have access to the same alcohol options as higher income families.

"For far too long, lower income lushes have had to suffer through the swill that is Old Milwaukee and Pabst Blue Ribbon," said Brent Forrester of the Gentleman's League for Beer on Tap. "They deserve to get drunk on something of higher quality. Something with a head."

Opponents of the law say the government needs to "stay out of the American liver" and instead focus its efforts on "rooting around in our wallets." They point out that welfare recipients can already purchase whatever beer they want with their EBT cards and fraudulent Social Security checks.

"If the government really wants to help, how about more easily accessible keno machines?" said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX). "Our brothers and sisters suckling on the state teat have nothing to do all day except watch Judge Joe Brown.

"Let's at least add a little spice to their daily grind," he added.

Justices will take up the case starting on Monday, after getting soused on a variety of the beers in question the weekend prior. Legal scholars say drunk justices deciding a case could set a precedent for increased public interest in supreme court proceedings.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE u.s. NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «»
Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «»