Wednesday | April 1, 2015
Image In Cheney's Glasses Actually Bush's Eternal Soul

CAMBRIDGE, MA (CAP) - Originally thought by bloggers to be the reflection of a naked woman, theologians are now saying the image visible in Vice President Dick Cheney's sunglasses in a White House website photo is actually President George Bush's tortured eternal soul.

"For years people have wondered how someone like George W. Bush could have been elected president - twice," said Arthur Crenshaw of Harvard Divinity School. "It's almost as if Bush had sold his soul to a shadowy, Mephistophelean figure, one who conceivably might then turn around and torture him by offering him a glimpse of his soul writhing in the pits of eternal damnation.

"I'm just saying," he added.

The picture, ostensibly of Cheney fly fishing in Idaho, caused an Internet sensation when bloggers suggested a naked woman was visible in the reflection in the vice president's glasses. "But a naked woman wouldn't have that twisted torso, or the pus-ridden skin, or the face frozen in a glare of eternal torment," said Crenshaw. "Well, you know, unless it was Joan Rivers or something."

Crenshaw also noted that this could explain the other figures that have been spotted in Cheney's glasses over the years, including ones that resembled actor Jim Belushi, Tuesdays With Morrie author Mitch Albom and Sanjaya from season six of American Idol.

White House sources were quick to deny the reports. "We can say unequivocally that the vice president does not currently have possession of President Bush's eternal soul," said White House Counsel Fred Fielding in an official statement, who also denied any of the long-rumored connections between Cheney and Beelzebub, Mephistopheles, Lucifer, Satan, Diablo or "He Who Shall Not Be Named."

"Also, it should be noted that Prince Of Darkness was just a nickname he had in college, like Stumpy," stated Fielding.

Reached by phone at an undisclosed location believed to be in a cavern deep below the Mohave Desert, Cheney let loose a chilling laugh that echoed through the phone line for a full three minutes. Then he said, "No comment."

President Bush, asked about the theory this morning during a press conference on the economy, paused for a moment, dropped his head and muttered, "My poor, poor eternal soul - Damn you, Dad, why did you make me do it? Why?" Then he said, "No comment."

Bloggers, for their part, seem unconvinced. "I still say it's a naked woman," said a post on WildDemocrats.org by BigHEDrob, the blogger who also recently spotted naked women in the flames of a bonfire commemorating the passing of Pope John Paul II and in a grilled cheese sandwich he sold on eBay for $400.

"At least I hope it is, considering what I've been doing to it for the past three days."

- CAP News Staff

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Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «»