Wednesday | December 17, 2014
Hillary Defends Hair Stylist's Anti-Men Remarks
Ye Gods! If you had to stare at that in the mirror every morning, wouldn't you go to a hairstylist even if she said some bad words?

PHILADELPHIA (CAP) - Hillary Clinton's uphill climb to the Democratic presidential nomination took a turn for the steeper yesterday after it was revealed that her long-time hair stylist made disparaging remarks against men. Clinton defended her continued visits to the hairdresser even after she learned of the sexist comments.

"This is very personal for me. Some people think getting your hair done is just a game," Clinton told a small crowd in Philadelphia. "It's not just who's cheapest; it's not just who uses Paul Mitchell. It's about looking good for our country. It's about looking good for our kids' futures."

According to other patrons of hair stylist Isabelle Goetz, the comments were made on three separate occasions, and ranged from describing the male gender as "scum" and "dirt" to one time when she reportedly threw her shears down on the counter and declared she was "quitting men forever."

Political pundits have already begun to weigh in on the effect the controversial comments may have on Hillary's presidential hopes. Many say her problems stem not so much from the statements themselves, but from her lack of decisive action and absence of a good cry after the events unfolded.

"What Hillary needs to do is separate herself from the hate, and align herself with men," said CAP political analyst Fuad Reveiz. "It's time to trot Bill out there and let his diarrhea of the mouth take the focus off of her.

"Well, uhh, moreso than he already has, that is," added Reveiz.

Barack Obama supporters who were quick to point out Hillary's continued visits to the embattled beautician also noted that during her last visit, Clinton had her hair colored, which they are taking as a personal affront to their African-American candidate.

"We also have it on good authority that Mrs Clinton paid her Chinese manicurist in soft money," said one Obama staffer who asked not to be identified. "Are those the hands you want picking up the phone at 3am? I think not."

Hillary has reportedly told her campaign workers that if she cannot pull off a giant victory in Pennsylvania's primary on April 22, she will be dropping out of the race and joining the cast of The Vagina Monologues.

- CAP News Staff

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Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «»