Tuesday | July 28, 2015
Hillary Defends Hair Stylist's Anti-Men Remarks
Ye Gods! If you had to stare at that in the mirror every morning, wouldn't you go to a hairstylist even if she said some bad words?

PHILADELPHIA (CAP) - Hillary Clinton's uphill climb to the Democratic presidential nomination took a turn for the steeper yesterday after it was revealed that her long-time hair stylist made disparaging remarks against men. Clinton defended her continued visits to the hairdresser even after she learned of the sexist comments.

"This is very personal for me. Some people think getting your hair done is just a game," Clinton told a small crowd in Philadelphia. "It's not just who's cheapest; it's not just who uses Paul Mitchell. It's about looking good for our country. It's about looking good for our kids' futures."

According to other patrons of hair stylist Isabelle Goetz, the comments were made on three separate occasions, and ranged from describing the male gender as "scum" and "dirt" to one time when she reportedly threw her shears down on the counter and declared she was "quitting men forever."

Political pundits have already begun to weigh in on the effect the controversial comments may have on Hillary's presidential hopes. Many say her problems stem not so much from the statements themselves, but from her lack of decisive action and absence of a good cry after the events unfolded.

"What Hillary needs to do is separate herself from the hate, and align herself with men," said CAP political analyst Fuad Reveiz. "It's time to trot Bill out there and let his diarrhea of the mouth take the focus off of her.

"Well, uhh, moreso than he already has, that is," added Reveiz.

Barack Obama supporters who were quick to point out Hillary's continued visits to the embattled beautician also noted that during her last visit, Clinton had her hair colored, which they are taking as a personal affront to their African-American candidate.

"We also have it on good authority that Mrs Clinton paid her Chinese manicurist in soft money," said one Obama staffer who asked not to be identified. "Are those the hands you want picking up the phone at 3am? I think not."

Hillary has reportedly told her campaign workers that if she cannot pull off a giant victory in Pennsylvania's primary on April 22, she will be dropping out of the race and joining the cast of The Vagina Monologues.

- CAP News Staff

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Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Hillary Clinton accuses Rand Paul of crank calling her at 3am but the NSA has no phone records with which to prove it «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «»