Thursday | July 30, 2015
Hillary's Memories Of Healthcare Reform A Bit Off, Too
Nurse Hillary will see you now.

INDIANAPOLIS (CAP) - As she struggles to address inconsistencies in her recent accounts on Bosnia, Northern Ireland and NAFTA, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton is now facing a new assault on her veracity. CAP News has uncovered proof that her latest recollections dealing with her efforts to reform health care in 1992 might not be completely accurate.

"It was a war, it really was. We even had to set up a War Room in June of '93 to handle it," Hillary Clinton told a gathering of the Indiana Young Republicans this week. "I remember going up to Capitol Hill to testify, and we circled the building a few times because they said roving bands of Congressmen had been known to frequent the area. We had to duck and make a mad dash for the main entrance, all while rotten vegetables rained down around us.

"It was pretty scary, but when it's pretty scary, you send the First Lady," Mrs. Clinton said. "Everyone at the White House knew that."

Among the other claims she made to the Indiana Young Republicans:

-Monica Lewinsky was a health care industry plant. "She was playing doctor with Bill - coincidence?"

-She developed carpal tunnel syndrome through her hours of work in the operating theater in 1994. "In order to gain as much health care knowledge as I could, I was performing 40, 50, sometimes 60 operations a week," Mrs. Clinton said. "Repetitive stress plagued me throughout the 90's, but I'll always fondly remember my days performing meatball surgery with Trapper John, Radar and the whole gang."

-Harry and Louise were stalking her throughout 1993 and 1994. "Everywhere I went, there they were, staring at me, looking at me, laughing at me, mocking me," Mrs. Clinton said, dabbing at her eyes with a hanky. "We had secret service take shots at them on occasion, but the next day, there they'd be on the White House tour, in the crowd at some event, peering out from OH MY GOD, THEY'RE RIGHT THERE IN THE BACK ROW RIGHT NOW!"

While CAP News cannot confirm that Harry and Louise were stalking Hillary in the 1990's, we have proof that they were not in attendance when Mrs. Clinton was addressing the Indiana Young Republicans. Documents obtained through the Freedom of Information Act show that the Harry and Louise actors were both cryogenically frozen at the behest of the Republican National Committee shortly after the Clinton Health Care initiative sputtered to its death.

Regarding her carpal tunnel assertions, the AMA cannot confirm that Mrs. Clinton actively engaged in medical operations during her time at the White House, but it does note that a complaint of "attempted penectomy" was filed again the former First Lady in late 1996. Milton Bradley can confirm that a case of Operation games was delivered to the White House sometime late in 1993. Additionally, Mrs. Clinton's recently released medical records do not support a carpal tunnel claim.

There is no evidence that Monica Lewinsky was ever a plant, although in an interview with Barbara Walters in March, 1999, she said that she always fancied herself a maple tree, "big, sappy and ready for a tap."

And Mrs. Clinton's claim that she was pelted with rotten vegetables during a visit to Capitol Hill? "Complete nonsense," says Fred Sampson, a former aid to Georgia Congressman and Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich.

"For one thing, it was rotten fruit, not vegetables," Sampson recalls. "For another, no one was aiming at Hillary. Geez, self-important much? No, Ira Magaziner, who would always accompany the First Lady to these kinds of Hill briefings, he was the real target. No one liked that prick."

Mrs. Clinton has so far refused to address the inconsistencies between history and her current health care reform stories, choosing instead to keep hammering away at her opponent's choice of pastors and her own fascinating experiences fighting Nazis as a whip-toting archeologist back in the '40s.

CAP News requests to the campaign for comments on this story were unanswered at press time.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Kim Kardashian announces she is pregnant, says she and Kanye plan to name the baby SXSW «»