Monday | September 1, 2014
McCain Slaughters Entire Press Corps
John McCain pauses for a photo op after the melee, covered in the blood of his enemies.

ATLANTA (CAP) - Republican Sen. John McCain, showing a flash of the temper he is known for, killed a roomful of reporters with his bare hands during a campaign event in Atlanta yesterday.

According to a waiter at the event who witnessed the carnage, McCain's outburst came completely out of the blue. "There wasn't even a tough question," said the waiter, who asked not to be identified out of fear of personal retribution. "I think [CNN Situation Room host] Wolf Blitzer just asked him how he was feeling, and boom!"

Apparently Blitzer was the first to go down, with a punch to the kidney that dropped him like "a sack of wet cement." McCain then dispatched the rest of the press corps via throttling, roundhouse kicks to the throat and the use of several makeshift weapons, including his own tie, a microphone and a newspaper reporter's hairpiece.

"It was like something out of a Tarantino movie -- they just kept coming and he kept taking them down, until there was nothing left but pools of blood and crumpled heaps of flesh," the waiter said. "I actually would have been pretty impressed, if I wasn't so panicky that he was getting ready to annihilate the wait staff, like that time in Cleveland."

"Yes, the man has a bit of a temper, and he showed that yesterday," admitted McCain's press secretary, Brooke Buchanan. "But all that shows is that Sen. McCain cares very deeply about his country." She then flashed a handwritten sign that read, "HELP ME - HELD AGAINST MY WILL," before being whisked away by several burly campaign workers.

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton disagreed, criticizing McCain over the incident this morning. "There is simply no excuse for such an egregious display," she said. "Revenge against your enemies should be cold, calculating and completely untraceable."

Clinton then ran her hand along the shaft of a gleaming samurai blade, slicing her left forefinger, and let a single drop of blood fall from it onto the tip of her tongue. She then slowly and deliberately licked her lips and let loose a laugh that could freeze your very soul.

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama, meanwhile, theorized that Sen. McCain has "a lot of unresolved anger issues" and may need "to really sit down and talk about his feelings." He also said that when he faces McCain during debates, he expects their exchanges to be positive and focused on issues, but that "I'm going to have a taser aimed at his crazy bald cracker head the whole time, just in case."

McCain held a press conference earlier today to address the incident. "First of all, I'd like to apologize to the families of those who lost their lives in the line of duty at yesterday's campaign event," said McCain. "I'm a passionate man, and sometimes that passion comes in the form of unexpected, violent, psychotic outbursts. But it's just the type of unexpected, violent psychosis that, when president, I will bring to protecting the citizens of this great country from the many dangerous threats to its well-being, including myself."

"I'd also like to apologize to the families of the three people I throttled before this press conference started here today," he added. "Although I'd like it noted that this time I did manage to stop at three."

- CAP News Staff

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