Saturday | September 20, 2014
New "Speed Humping" All The Rage Among Singles

DETROIT (CAP) - Tim Evans zips up his pants as he steps through the curtain of one of the makeshift bedrooms set up off the main lounge of the Dapper Gentleman adult entertainment club. After giving his friends at a nearby table a thumbs-up, Tim takes a condom from the hostess and disappears into another curtained room, not to emerge again for another three minutes.

After coming and going from another four such rooms, Tim sits down with CAP News to discuss his experience with the new trend popping up in major cities around the U.S. that promises to revolutionize how singles meet and mingle. Tim has nothing but praise for Speed Humping.

"I always hated the bar scene, never knowing if the woman you're trying to pick up is even on the same page as you," Evans said as he thumbed through the two phone numbers he got that evening. "Before, it would have taken me like two months to get one phone number, let alone two.

"And I don't have to wonder if I'm gonna get some - you can't beat it," added Evans. "Well, let's just say I don't have to beat it."

Speed Humping, also known as Hurry Humping in some locations, is rumored to have first appeared a few months ago at a private party at the Playboy Mansion involving a number of celebrities and high-profile models and since then has spread like wildfire throughout the country. Pundits say the trend is indicative of a society in desperate need of time.

"On the one hand, it's a sad day when even sex has to be timed and structured," said Harvard University Leisure Studies professor Langley Holcomb. "But on the other hand, that's about as long as a guy can last, so this really saves both parties a lot of angst.

"I mean, hell, we are a people who had to extend the five-second rule to be eight seconds because we don't have time to pick food up off the floor," noted Holcomb. "Sex couldn't be far behind."

Despite its relatively new popularity, the Speed Humping phenomenon has already paved the way for similar activities in very specific niches. One Jewish group in Brooklyn has set up Hacidic Hump Nights to allow fathers to assess possible suitors for their daughters, while a TV station in Japan has begun broadcasting a new game show whose name loosely translates to Hump Me Now.

"Speed Humping is definitely a growth market right now," said Erick Stricht, founder of the match-making website eHumping. "Our mantra is get in, get some, get off. And then you move on. No need to bullshit ourselves that we want anything more than that."

For his part, Tim Evans couldn't agree more. Although he's already landed himself a couple friends with benefits, he says he'll be back next Friday night to try out a new group of women. With any luck, he'll soon have enough phone numbers to provide all the variety he needs every night of the week.

- CAP News Staff

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