Sunday | August 30, 2015
Obama To Take Scalpels, Sharp Objects Away From Doctors
Staffers dressed up as fake doctors applaud Obama's new approach to healthcare.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Obama outlined the second phase of his Righteous Indignation Initiative yesterday with plans to remove all cutting implements and other "pointy, stabby objects" from hospitals and doctors' offices. He said such tools can alienate patients and turn doctors into an "occupying force."

"How many Americans are afraid to go to the doctor because they fear they will be cut open like a can of sardines the minute they walk through the door?" said Obama. "We need to integrate doctors into the community, not arm them with weapons used in back alleys."

Obama said he understands that such drastic changes to a millennia of medical practice may take some getting used to but he knows "American doctors are up to the challenge." He pointed to advances in holistic medicine as a factor in his decision.

"The fact that it will also drastically cut healthcare costs is ancillary," he added. "But removing the phrase going under the knife from our lexicon is not."

New guidelines are due out next month in which the American Medical Association replaces all surgical procedures with recommendations to "just put some salve on it" as well as undertake preventative measures with a rigorous regimen of ginkgo biloba.

- CAP News Staff

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General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «»