Thursday | August 21, 2014
Government Auctions Chance To Shoot Down Satellite

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The U.S. government plans to auction off an opportunity to shoot down the Pentagon's malfunctioning spy satellite, a spokesman announced this week.

The Pentagon recently announced its intention to shoot down the satellite, which is otherwise expected to crash into the earth in early March. "And we figured, why not generate some revenue while we're at it," said Buck Meyerson, secretary of the recently created U.S. Division of Military Auctions.

Meyerson expects the opportunity to fire a missile from the USS Lake Erie aircraft carrier could net more than $100 million from a super-rich bidder, possibly someone from the royal family of Saudi Arabia or Kuwait.

When asked if this could be a security risk, Meyerson noted the missiles will not be armed with actual warheads, as the goal is to break the satellite into pieces so it will burn up in the atmosphere, not destroy it completely. "Plus, we make them sign a release," he noted.

President George W. Bush immediately approved the plan. "The average guy would kill for an opportunity to fire a real missile and blow something up that big," said President Bush. "I get to do it all the time, and I gotta tell you, it's a real kick." Then he put his arms up and made an exploding sound by extruding air through his puffed-up cheeks.

"It's sort of like that new game, waddaya call it, the Wee-Wee," added Bush. "That's a lot of fun. Except I almost broke [Vice President] Dick [Cheney]'s jaw playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour 07 last week."

U.S. scientist and businessman Gregory Olsen, who paid $20 million to ride the space shuttle in 2005, has already expressed an interest in bidding on a chance to target the spy satellite. "The space shuttle was great, but I didn't get to blow anything up," said Olsen. "And it's not like I didn't try - I pressed every button aboard that baby."

But the plan has already drawn fire from Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton. "I think it sets a horrible precedent to allow use of our military apparatus to become yet another 'perk' for the super-rich," she said, noting that she'd prefer to see poor people be given the opportunity to fire our missiles at our malfunctioning satellites.

However, some people are calling Clinton's attack "sour grapes," in response to the time when she proposed allowing people to bid on the opportunity to go into an inner city area and deliver health care to an underprivileged family, and the other senators just groaned and rolled their eyes.

"I still don't know why she didn't accept my compromise proposal," says Republican presidential contender Sen. John McCain, who had suggested that when the winner got to the inner city, he or she be allowed to blow something up while there. "This just shows how dangerously out of whack Mrs. Clinton's priorities are with those of the American people. Particularly, you know, men."

Others have raised the question of what would happen if the highest bidder misses the satellite, and it crashes into the earth, discharging 1,000 pounds of toxic and potentially deadly hydrazine fumes over an area the size of two football fields. "That would be bad," noted Meyerson.

According to Meyerson, the satellite is most likely to crash into the ocean, but could also hit one of several populated areas identified by NASA researchers, including a wooded area between Russia and Finland, the mountainous region in the northern section of Mongolia, or Britney Spears' home in Studio City, Calif. "That girl just can't catch a break," said Meyerson.

Also, beyond the problems with this satellite, scientists have determined that as more satellites are shot into space, more of them will malfunction and fall to earth. "Studies show that by 2017, we'll all know somebody who has been hit or almost hit by a falling satellite," said Dr. Roderick Crawford of the Rochester Institute of Technology, who also noted that he doesn't know shit about satellites.

"All the more reason we should be prepared," responded Vice President Cheney, noting he's always been a proponent of the underground bunker. "Haliburton is having a special on them through the end of the month," he said.

Meanwhile, Meyerson says that the money raised from the auction will be put to good use. "Assuming we hit the $100 million, that will pay for almost a whole afternoon of operations in Iraq," he said.

- CAP News Staff

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