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WASHINGTON (CAP) - Disgusted by the idea that "liberal" Arizona Sen. John McCain will likely represent the Republican party in November's presidential election, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has announced his intention to form a new political party and run for president himself.
"Character matters; leadership descends from character," said Limbaugh at a press conference this morning. "If there's one thing McCain doesn't have that I do have, it's character."
"Also, who does he think he's fooling with those stiff shoulders?" he added, sticking his arms out like Frankenstein's monster. "Ooh, look at me, I'm John McMcain, I'm a war hero, I can't move my shoulders. He should get together for a ping-pong match with Michael J. Fox, the bunch of fakers."
Limbaugh was joined at the press conference by conservative pundit Ann Coulter, whom he said he plans to add to the ticket as his vice presidential pick. "For vice president, I needed someone ruthless and calculating, almost an evil genius," he said. "It's worked pretty well for the last eight years, anyway."
Limbaugh then snorted and noted how much he cracks himself up.
For her part, Coulter says she will "crush the life out of John McCain with my own icy fingers." When asked by CBS senior political correspondent Jeff Greenfield if it harmed the public discourse to engage in such political hyperbole, Coulter responded. "What hyperbole? The old bastard will be dead by my hand." Then to accentuate her point, she grabbed a lit cigar from Limbaugh's mouth and jammed it into Greenfield's neck.
Limbaugh says he was moved to join the race himself after Mitt Romney, who Limbaugh called the only "true conservative" in the race, dropped out recently. Both Limbaugh and Coulter had been supporting Romney, but acknowledged that voters may have had trouble reconciling his sharp shifts on several key conservative issues. "Plus, he's such a pansy," said Limbaugh.
"F'ing pansy," concurred Coulter, crushing a full can of Tab in her palm.
Limbaugh said his new party will be called the Constitutional Party, and will be the only party that "truly respects the Constitution of this great nation - the Constitution that's for lower taxes and smaller government, and against gay people, abortion and anybody that doesn't speak English."
When reminded by CNN Situation Room host Wolf Blitzer that none of that is actually in the Constitution, Coulter responded, "I find your lack of faith - disturbing," and pointed at Blitzer with two curled fingers, prompting him to grab his throat in agony until Limbaugh instructed her to release him.
McCain, reached at a campaign stop in Milwaukee, Wis., said for his part he's not concerned about the insurgency. "Time for some straight talk," he said. "The fact of the matter is, I am a true conservative, I'm not mentally unstable, and if Rush Limbaugh sees me coming he better hide before I pop that pudgy head of his off his fat little neck, that fat fuck!" Then, wiping the sweat off his deeply furrowed, purple brow, he added, "I'm not really giving it much thought, though."
Though Limbaugh has set his sights on McCain, there are also the Democrats to worry about. But when asked whether the new Constitutional Party should be paying more attention to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama than to McCain, given the large turnouts of Democrats so far in the primaries, Limbaugh and Coulter responded by taking turns laughing like mad scientists for three full minutes.
"I don't think we have to worry about them," said Coulter finally. "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity." At this point all the reporters in the room raised their hands half in the air like they were about to point out that both Clinton and Obama are from this country and are already Christians, but then seemed to think better of it and just tried to look nonchalant.
Limbaugh concluded by assuring reporters that his campaign is not a stunt and that he has every intention of being on the ballot as a serious candidate come November. "I just want to be clear that I will give this my all, just like everything else I do. When I get into something, I get into it 100 percent," he said. "Just ask my OxyContin supplier."
- CAP News Staff
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