- Girl Scouts: The Silent Killers
- Study Suggests Stonehenge Was Prehistoric McDonald's
- Wolfgang Van Halen Sick Of Being Hit On By 45-Yr-Olds
Gingrich Ends Campaign For Book Sales
CAP NEWS SPECIAL
A hastily snapped paparazzi photo shows Sly Stallone holding true to his word.HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Sylvester Stallone publicly endorsed John McCain for president this week, and to illustrate his support blew up Mitt Romney's "Mitt Mobile" with a makeshift explosive device tied to the end of a flaming arrow.
"John McCain is a true patriot in the John Rambo mold," said Stallone at a press conference, clad in his standard Rambo attire of black cargo pants, no shirt and a strip of cloth taken from one of his enemies tied around his forehead, in this case the blue tie Romney wore during the Jan. 24 Republican candidate debate.
"I wish I could have rescued John like I did those POWs in Rambo: First Blood, Part II, or Richard Crenna in Rambo III," said Stallone. "Except, you know, for real."
Coincidentally, Stallone, 71, just released his latest Rambo movie, called simply Rambo. When asked why there was no numeral at the end of the title, he explained that nobody could figure out whether it would have been IV or V.
Stallone's endorsement comes in the wake of Chuck Norris's highly publicized support of Mike Huckabee. When jokingly asked by CBS senior political correspondent Jeff Greenfield if he could "take Norris," Stallone chuckled, before sneaking up behind Greenfield covered in mud and snapping his neck like a brittle twig.
Meanwhile, other aging action stars are scrambling to find their own presidential candidates to endorse, and are arguing over "which one of us will get stuck with that pansy Mitt Romney," said Marked For Death star Steven Segal.
Segal, for his part, pledged to throw his support behind former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. "Giuliani will kick terrorist butt, just like I did in Hard To Kill," said Segal.
When reminded by CNN "Situation Room" host Wolf Blitzer that the villains in Hard To Kill were actually crooked cops and that he was probably thinking of Under Siege, Segal laughed and responded, "I hate to break it to you, Wolf, but they were all basically the same movie." Then he ripped out Blitzer's esophagus and said, "Better have a lozenge for that sore throat!" as the rest of the press corps backed off, very slowly.
John Claude van Damme said he had hoped to support fellow actor Fred Thompson. "Our acting styles are actually very similar," said Van Damme, noting the episode of Law & Order in which Thompson killed Sam Waterston with a slow-motion roundhouse kick that lasted almost a full three minutes. "Oh wait - I was actually thinking of me, in - well, everything," said Van Damme.
But even with Thompson out of the race, Van Damme has declined to endorse Romney, citing his sharp shifts on several key conservative issues, and the fact that he is a pansy. Van Damme's twin brother from whom he was separated at birth but who later returned to help him seek revenge against his parents' killers had no comment.
Word from Romney's camp is that the former Massachusetts governor is not concerned about the lack of action stars in his corner. "In fact, we have it on good authority that Charles Bronson is very close to announcing his support," noted Romney this week.
When reminded by Meet The Press host Tim Russert that Bronson has been dead since 2003, Romney put up his finger like he was going to say something, then burst into tears.
Meanwhile, the Democrats' celebrity endorsements are also piling up, with '90s television actor Jaleel White endorsing Hillary Clinton, Harvey Fierstein getting behind Barack Obama and John Edwards garnering the support of the guy who played Booger in Revenge Of The Nerds.
Contributing Writer
- Banner Stands» Browse banner stands by Post-Up Stand. Trade Show Displays, Retractable Banner Displays, and more. High quality, 48 hour turnaround time!
- Prom Dresses 2013» Searching for the perfect dress to wear on your big night? Take a look from these styles who top the best-dressed lists all the time!
